{"id":307,"date":"2014-04-17T07:11:48","date_gmt":"2014-04-17T14:11:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=307"},"modified":"2018-05-08T15:57:26","modified_gmt":"2018-05-08T22:57:26","slug":"say-vigilante-say-freedom-fighter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=307","title":{"rendered":"You Say Vigilante, I Say Freedom Fighter"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Final<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/b><\/p>\n

I dream of raising up an army of freedom fighters.\u00a0 A steely-eyed, formidable force to step to the front line.\u00a0 No, not to free a foreign people. No, not to rescue the starving masses.\u00a0 A united, committed group of citizens to enforce a few simple rules upon which \u00a0I’m sure we can all agree.<\/p>\n

We will target seven \u201cpoints of idiocy\u201d:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. People with handicapped parking permits and no apparent handicap.\u00a0 One parked at my health club the other day.\u00a0 I discovered him on a rowing machine cranking away at it like an Olympian.\u00a0 My army would show our disapproval to these slackers by applying a single strike to their kneecap.\u00a0 A little something to discourage them and their ilk. Yes, I am fully aware of the irony that they would then be legitimately parking in the handicapped spots.\u00a0 But at least we\u2019d be making honest disabled people out of them.<\/li>\n
  2. People (usually women, but I don\u2019t want to be sexist) who wear \u201cbig hair\u201d to the movie theater.\u00a0 We would make these people (using force\u00a0if necessary) put on clamshell style helmets.<\/li>\n
  3. People who leave their dog\u2019s poop on the sidewalk.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to be specific here, because I don\u2019t want to spoil the surprise.\u00a0 We would \u201capply\u201d the unsecured doodoo to them in a meaningful manner.\u00a0 Seizing a \u201cteachable moment.\u201d\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say they won\u2019t be needing a clamshell style helmet at the theater.<\/li>\n
  4. People who refuse to buy their \u201ctoddler\u201d a plane ticket and choose to hold the little\u00a0(or not so little) tyke\u00a0on their lap.\u00a0 Again, I can\u2019t be specific, but it involves TSA agent sympathizers and pet crates.<\/li>\n
  5. Romantic couples making out in hotel hot tubs.\u00a0 If I\u2019m not mistaken, hotels are required to install fire suppressant equipment near their pool\u2019s water pumps.\u00a0 Either a three-inch, high-pressure water jet or application of a chemical flame retardant should do the trick nicely.<\/li>\n
  6. Neck tattoos.\u00a0 The death penalty.<\/li>\n
  7. \u201cBull\u201d style nose rings.\u00a0 Perhaps it\u2019s because I grew up on a farm, but our society cannot take action on this quickly enough.\u00a0 Upon capture, these people will be given a choice.\u00a0 We will: a. Yank it out (one clean motion \u2013 look, we\u2019re not monsters), or b. Attach a 48-inch chain, available for anyone feeling the urge to lead them around at will.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Our insignia will be a picture of a jackass in one of those circles with a diagonal line slashed through it.\u00a0 Our motto will be, \u201cYes, there is such thing as a stupid question.\u201d\u00a0 And our cause, a just one.<\/p>\n

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    ______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

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     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By Jack Edwards I dream of raising up an army of freedom fighters.\u00a0 A steely-eyed, formidable force to step to the front line.\u00a0 No, not to free a foreign people. No, not to rescue the starving masses.\u00a0 A united, committed group of citizens to enforce a few simple rules upon which \u00a0I’m sure we can […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[262,16,260,261,263,264,259],"class_list":["post-307","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-big-hair","tag-dogs","tag-freedom-fighters","tag-handicapped-parking","tag-neck-tattoos","tag-nose-rings","tag-vigilante"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/307","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=307"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/307\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1274,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/307\/revisions\/1274"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=307"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=307"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=307"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}