{"id":3024,"date":"2022-06-04T15:00:30","date_gmt":"2022-06-04T22:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=3024"},"modified":"2022-06-04T15:00:33","modified_gmt":"2022-06-04T22:00:33","slug":"how-you-can-be-a-big-fat-hero-in-three-easy-steps","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=3024","title":{"rendered":"How You Can Be a Big Fat Hero in Three Easy Steps"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

According to\nMr. Google, 71.6% of Americans are overweight. \nI am one of those proud Americans. \nHowever, I am currently on a diet. \nMy diet works like this: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1. Wake\nup in the morning vowing to only eat freshly picked lettuce and cucumbers until\nI have lost 40 pounds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 2. End\nthe day polishing off a quart of Chunky Monkey ice cream.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay.  So, it might not be the best<\/em> diet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the\nmeantime, I have discovered a new technique which enables me to enjoy the\nadmiration of others.  It\u2019s very simple,\nand I urge my fellow 71.6% fat friends to follow my lead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s how\nit works:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1. Place\nyourself in a social setting where you are surrounded by total strangers.  (This is critical \u2013 You must be around\nCOMPLETE strangers.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 2. Mingle\nuntil you find someone who looks like he or she bench presses Dusseldorfs three\ntimes a day and whose diet consists entirely of protein powder.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 3. Engage\nthis person in small talk, and when the opportunity arises, casually mention\nsomething like, \u201cYou certainly look like you know your way around the gym.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is\nwhere the magic happens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mr. or Ms. Athletic\nwill answer with something along the lines of, \u201cYeah, I do put in a little time.\u201d\n (They\u2019ll do this while casually sizing up\nyour physique with thinly veiled distain.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is when\nyou volunteer, \u201cI\u2019ve been putting some time in the gym myself lately.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood for you,\u201d\nthey\u2019ll say encouragingly, like a parent praising the mess of a fingerpainting\ntheir five-year-old just drug home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is\nwhere, like a bullfighter sliding his sword into the heart of an 800-pound beast,\nyou deliver your coup de grace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In your most\ncasual tone, you say, \u201cYeah.  So far this\nyear, I\u2019ve lost 119 pounds.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then bask in\nthe glory as the person\u2019s face transforms into total awe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here, feel\nfree to shrug modestly.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At this\npoint, your next move is critical:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get the H-E-double-toothpicks\nout of there and hope you never see this person again.  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

According to Mr. Google, 71.6% of Americans are overweight.  I am one of those proud Americans.  However, I am currently on a diet.  My diet works like this: Step 1. Wake up in the morning vowing to only eat freshly picked lettuce and cucumbers until I have lost 40 pounds. Step 2. End the day […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3028,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[1067,1066],"class_list":["post-3024","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-diet-humor","tag-fat-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/Super-Hero-Cat-1-1.jpeg?fit=683%2C573&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3024","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3024"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3024\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3029,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3024\/revisions\/3029"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3028"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3024"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3024"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3024"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}