{"id":2942,"date":"2022-03-25T18:02:07","date_gmt":"2022-03-26T01:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2942"},"modified":"2022-03-25T18:02:10","modified_gmt":"2022-03-26T01:02:10","slug":"i-was-going-to-buy-a-pizza-oven-but-i-didnt-want-to-pay-one-million-dollars-a-slice","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2942","title":{"rendered":"I Was Going To Buy A Pizza Oven, But I Didn’t Want to Pay One Million Dollars A Slice"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

I love pizza\nas much as the next pre-diabetic guy, but this whole \u201cpizza oven craze\u201d is\nbonkers.  A big, stand-alone oven exclusively\nto make pizza?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s think this through:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#1. How many times are you really ever going to use it?\u00a0 I mean, as an actual pizza oven, not a boat anchor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#2. How many days will it take before you start using it to store yard equipment, like your garden hose?\u00a0 Prepare yourself. The temptation will be tremendous.<\/em> Have you seen these things?\u00a0 They are the perfect shape to hold a garden hose. (I say this as someone who shamefully has a pool table, I mean a storage table, taking up 25% of my garage.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#3. News Alert:\u00a0 Recently (and by \u201crecently,\u201d I mean since 1925), you can now order a pizza delivered DIRECTLY to your home.\u00a0 AND, it will arrive with the precise toppings you PERSONALLY requested. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have done\nthe math, and these new-fangled contraptions just don\u2019t pencil out.  Don\u2019t believe me?  Here\u2019s the formula: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cost of the pizza oven (more than you can afford) \u00f7 the number of pizzas you\u2019ll actually make with it (“one” \u2013 and, frankly, not a very good one) = You\u2019re an idiot if you buy a pizza oven. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And keep this very poignant question in mind (be honest with yourself when you answer it):\u00a0 What are the chances that you might never climb off your big fat patootie and bake a pizza?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The answer is 39%.\u00a0 (And I\u2019m being generous.)\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now that I\nthink about it, the next time someone really irks me off, I\u2019m going to go on\nAmazon and order a pizza oven sent to their home.  At first, sure, they\u2019ll be thrilled.  But revenge is best served cold\u2026  Give it a week. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My point is this: Don\u2019t do it!<\/strong> Spend your money more wisely.\u00a0 Here are a few examples of how you can better spend your money:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Option 1. Donate it to charity.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Option 2. Deposit it in your kid\u2019s college fund.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Option 3. Flush it down the toilet.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other\nhand, there is something to be said for having a convenient place to store your\ngarden hose.    <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I love pizza as much as the next pre-diabetic guy, but this whole \u201cpizza oven craze\u201d is bonkers.  A big, stand-alone oven exclusively to make pizza?  Let\u2019s think this through: #1. How many times are you really ever going to use it?\u00a0 I mean, as an actual pizza oven, not a boat anchor. #2. How […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2944,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[1055,1056],"class_list":["post-2942","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-pizza-humor","tag-pizza-oven-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/Pizza-Oven-.jpeg?fit=300%2C251&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2942","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2942"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2942\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2950,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2942\/revisions\/2950"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2944"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2942"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2942"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2942"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}