{"id":283,"date":"2014-03-20T06:36:25","date_gmt":"2014-03-20T13:36:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=283"},"modified":"2019-10-12T12:51:04","modified_gmt":"2019-10-12T19:51:04","slug":"three-secrets-to-successfully-confronting-an-ugly-baby","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=283","title":{"rendered":"Three Secrets to Successfully Confronting an Ugly Baby"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I have never served in the military.\u00a0 I have never experienced the nightmare of fighting for my life in hand-to-hand combat.\u00a0 But I have experienced my share of struggles.\u00a0 Not of the least among them is the unspeakable horror of confronting an over-exuberant parent brandishing an ugly baby.\u00a0 Okay, save the lecture.\u00a0 Yes, I know every baby is precious, sweet, dear, priceless, et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah.\u00a0 I get it.\u00a0 But let\u2019s face it, a certain percentage of babies are born with mugs better suited for showing at the Westminster Kennel Club than a suburban mall.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 I\u2019m not talking about YOUR BABY.\u00a0 YOUR BABY is shockingly adorable.\u00a0 The cutest baby on the planet.\u00a0 The cutest baby ever to grace the earth.\u00a0 YOUR BABY emits an ethereal glow of beauty, and indeed, if I may add, a sense of grace.<\/p>\n

But I think you\u2019ll agree with me, that at least once or twice you\u2019ve been left speechless after being blindsided by a baby closely resembling Rocky Balboa \u2013 after the fight.\u00a0 Fear no more.\u00a0 Jack is here with three simple techniques to glide you safely through your next encounter.<\/p>\n

Number 1:\u00a0 Stop.\u00a0 Remind yourself of the first universal truth of parenthood – Every parent thinks his or her bundle of joy is the Gerber Food Baby.\u00a0 Not most, every single one.\u00a0 This means that whatever you say, no matter how patently absurd it may seem to you at the moment, it will be eagerly accepted by the parent.\u00a0 They\u2019ll lap it up with a spoon.\u00a0 They\u2019ll start nodding in agreement the minute you begin laying on the baloney.<\/p>\n

Number 2.\u00a0 Go for it.\u00a0 Lay it on as thick as frosting on a Christmas cake.\u00a0 Trust me, it\u2019s impossible to overdo it.\u00a0 Some lady wanders up to you with a baby that looks like a gorilla?\u00a0 Fire at will: \u201cWow, she\u2019s the spitting image of the Mona Lisa!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHave you considered contacting a baby modeling agent?\u00a0 This little gem has got a career ahead of her!\u201d\u00a0 Have at it – you\u2019ve got complete immunity!<\/p>\n

Number 3.\u00a0 Remember the FAILSAFE.\u00a0 This is the technique you must immediately engage in the event of an actual emergency.\u00a0 Practice it like an airline pilot practices for an emergency landing.\u00a0 Here is the scenario: There are cases, although rare, that upon meeting an ugly baby, you are struck absolutely speechless.\u00a0 Without hesitation, engage the three-step FAILSAFE procedure.\u00a0 Step 1: Relax.\u00a0 Do not panic.\u00a0 Step 2: Continue to breathe as normally as possible.\u00a0 You will need as much oxygen as you can get in order to improve your odds of surviving the encounter.\u00a0 Step 3: Lock onto, and embrace the word \u201csweet.\u201d\u00a0 Force it through your teeth.\u00a0 Keep repeating it.\u00a0 Put it in difference sentences, but don\u2019t stumble or lose focus.\u00a0 \u201cWhat a sweet baby.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cShe is so sweet.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t believe how sweet she is.\u201d\u00a0 The more times you repeat it, the easier it becomes.\u00a0 Then, once enough oxygen has reached your brain and you\u2019re beginning to feel more relaxed, toss in the word \u201cprecious.\u201d<\/p>\n

Side note:\u00a0 All of these techniques work equally as well for grandmothers, although use them with caution with grandfathers.\u00a0 Especially ones named Bud.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the lesson.\u00a0 Thank goodness, none of this applies to your beautiful baby. What an angel.\u00a0 Have you considered contacting a baby modeling agent?\u00a0 You\u2019d make a bundle!<\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books for gifts:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have never served in the military.\u00a0 I have never experienced the nightmare of fighting for my life in hand-to-hand combat.\u00a0 But I have experienced my share of struggles.\u00a0 Not of the least among them is the unspeakable horror of confronting an over-exuberant parent brandishing an ugly baby.\u00a0 Okay, save the lecture.\u00a0 Yes, I know […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[226,532,227,6],"class_list":["post-283","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-babies","tag-humor","tag-infants","tag-parenting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/283","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=283"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/283\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2161,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/283\/revisions\/2161"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=283"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=283"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=283"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}