{"id":2742,"date":"2021-09-04T09:05:35","date_gmt":"2021-09-04T16:05:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2742"},"modified":"2021-09-04T09:05:40","modified_gmt":"2021-09-04T16:05:40","slug":"do-not-let-this-dog-into-your-house","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2742","title":{"rendered":"Do Not Let This Dog into Your House"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

My daughter\nand her husband had to take a quick trip to Oklahoma (State Motto: \u201cWe eat\nsteak three times a day.\u201d)  This meant we\nhad to immediately implement our version of the \u201cPony Express.\u201d  In our case, the \u201cDoggy Express.\u201d  Milo the Dog lives in Portland.  I live 100 miles south in The People\u2019s\nRepublic of Eugene.  The Doggy-Express\nworks like this: My son-in-law drives Milo halfway down, and I drive halfway up.  We meet in Salem.  It\u2019s just like divorced parents exchanging\ntheir spoiled pride and joy.  The only\nreal difference is that in our case, the spoiled kid has a leash around his\nneck.  That, and we have him run around\nthe parking lot peeing on everything.  On\nsecond thought, I guess that could  apply\nto either situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After another smooth exchange everything seems fine.\u00a0 I drive Milo back to my place in Eugene.\u00a0 I take him on late night walk and think everything is fine for the night.\u00a0 The problem begins at 3:30 a.m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wake up in the middle of the night and realize Milo is outside my bedroom door whining like a fire detector.\u00a0 I ride it out for a few minutes, but finally crawl out of bed.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, it is important here to set the stage.\u00a0 My wife was away for the weekend, but before leaving, she reminded me of her long-standing directive that Milo was not allowed in our bedroom, and under absolutely NO circumstances, was he allowed on our bed.\u00a0 So, I open the door and tell him to jump on the bed.\u00a0 In my defense, I\u2019m like the exhausted parent who will do anything to make the baby stop crying.\u00a0 It’s Marshall Law, peace time rules simply do not apply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Milo dutifully hops up.\u00a0 I retreat back to bed, and immediately begin willing myself back to sleep.\u00a0 But an unsettling feeling washes over me.\u00a0 I feel a presence.\u00a0 When I peek my eyes open, a large dark figure is sitting bolt upright staring at me.\u00a0 Unsettling, to say the least.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Concerned Milo needs to go to the bathroom, I once again drag myself out of bed, get dressed, and take him for a walk.\u00a0 IT IS 3:30 IN THE MORING!\u00a0 No signs of life are visible.\u00a0 The world hangs in dark immoveable silence as Milo contentedly trots down the sidewalk.\u00a0 It is immediately clear he does not need to relieve himself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The trip ends with a whimper, not a bang.\u00a0 Milo contentedly walks back to his bed in the living room, and I go back to salvage what is left of the night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am telling you this story for two reasons.\u00a0 First, NEVER GET A DOG.\u00a0 Second, I need a referral.\u00a0 If you can take a moment to shoot me a message, I am looking for an experienced canine psychiatrist. \u00a0One who specializes in EXTREMELY spoiled dogs. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My daughter and her husband had to take a quick trip to Oklahoma (State Motto: \u201cWe eat steak three times a day.\u201d)  This meant we had to immediately implement our version of the \u201cPony Express.\u201d  In our case, the \u201cDoggy Express.\u201d  Milo the Dog lives in Portland.  I live 100 miles south in The People\u2019s […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2743,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[603,1029],"class_list":["post-2742","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-dog-humor","tag-funny-dog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Milo-the-Dog.jpeg?fit=2312%2C1938&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2742","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2742"}],"version-history":[{"count":17,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2742\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2791,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2742\/revisions\/2791"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2743"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2742"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2742"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2742"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}