{"id":266,"date":"2014-02-27T06:54:04","date_gmt":"2014-02-27T14:54:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=266"},"modified":"2018-05-08T20:27:47","modified_gmt":"2018-05-09T03:27:47","slug":"like-starbucks-latte-heart-attack","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=266","title":{"rendered":"Like a Starbucks Latte with that Heart Attack?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"ER<\/a><\/p>\n

A monumental problem has perplexed citizens of the United States for three decades.\u00a0 That is, of course, how to find a cup of coffee for under three bucks.\u00a0 But the Starbucks\u2019 racketeering scheme is not the focus of today\u2019s column.\u00a0 Today\u2019s column is about hospital emergency rooms.\u00a0 Let\u2019s begin by breaking down the meaning of the word Emergency. \u201cEmer\u201d which is Latin for, \u201cMy spleen has ruptured\u201d, and \u201cgency\u201d which translates in the Greek to, \u201cCan\u2019t this ambulance travel any faster?!\u201d\u00a0 Every day across America, people stream into hospital emergency rooms who are desperate, in need of help, lost, and in pain.\u00a0 And the cause of their distress is the hordes of patients demanding their attention.\u00a0 This has resulted in average wait times of four to six months and bills that rival Nicaragua\u2019s annual gross domestic product. \u00a0Let me triage their plight, and identify a comprehensive solution.\u00a0 Here is the Dr. Edwards\u2019 two-step cure for what ails America\u2019s ERs:<\/p>\n

Cure 1.\u00a0 Eliminate waiting areas.\u00a0 Get rid of them completely. \u00a0Lease the space to Starbucks.\u00a0 If someone can survive an hour in a waiting area, there is no emergency.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t exist.\u00a0 Instruct the person to vacate the premises immediately.<\/p>\n

Cure 2. The average emergency bill is roughly $1,500.\u00a0 For this, you get a paper gown that exposes your hinny and 4.5 seconds of a bleary-eyed doctor with a vast 14 days\u2019 of experience checking your throat and telling you to go home.\u00a0 Under the Dr. Edwards\u2019 plan, we will switch to a metered system.\u00a0 The receptionist slaps an electronic meter around your neck at check-in.\u00a0 Every time a nurse, doctor, or anyone wearing a smock, actually pays attention to you, they push the meter\u2019s \u201con\u201d button.\u00a0 When they walk away from you, they push the \u201coff.\u201d \u00a0(Or\u2026.. maybe we could put a device on the staff which did this automatically?\u00a0 Nooooooooo. \u00a0Nix that. \u00a0Doctors and nurses would be zigzagging around like roller skaters on the rink trying to pick up time.\u00a0 We go with the neck meter).\u00a0 You only pay for the attention you get.\u00a0 You want to improve service?\u00a0 You want to feel cared for? Medical personal will appear from the woodwork hanging on you from the second you hit the door.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say coffee consumption and back room gossip sessions will quickly become a thing of the distant past.<\/p>\n

There you have it.\u00a0 Two simple changes.\u00a0 They can be implemented as soon as we get Starbucks to lease the empty space.\u00a0 Then we\u2019ll all be able to afford those $3 coffees.<\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books for gifts:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A monumental problem has perplexed citizens of the United States for three decades.\u00a0 That is, of course, how to find a cup of coffee for under three bucks.\u00a0 But the Starbucks\u2019 racketeering scheme is not the focus of today\u2019s column.\u00a0 Today\u2019s column is about hospital emergency rooms.\u00a0 Let\u2019s begin by breaking down the meaning of […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[210,208,209,207,34,206],"class_list":["post-266","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-coffee","tag-emergency","tag-emergency-room","tag-er","tag-medicine","tag-starbucks"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=266"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1282,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266\/revisions\/1282"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=266"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=266"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=266"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}