{"id":260,"date":"2014-02-20T08:09:01","date_gmt":"2014-02-20T16:09:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=260"},"modified":"2018-05-08T20:29:41","modified_gmt":"2018-05-09T03:29:41","slug":"three-simple-steps-jolt-winter-olympics-back-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=260","title":{"rendered":"Three Simple Steps to Jolt the Winter Olympics Back to Life"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"2018<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

I think I speak for everyone when I say that the winter Olympics have become rather humdrum.\u00a0 And I also think I speak for everyone when I say the remedy is to return to the fundamentals of good solid entertainment.\u00a0 And by fundamentals, of course, I mean violence.\u00a0 In fact, with the exception of women\u2019s hockey, the winter Olympics is virtually devoid of the type of red meat acts of depravity that audiences have come to expect ever since Fred Flintstone clubbed Barney Rubble over the head with a gigantic brontosaurus femur five million television years ago.<\/p>\n

I therefore humbly offer my services to the International Olympic Committee.\u00a0 I won\u2019t even charge them any of the 50 billion it took to stage this year\u2019s games.\u00a0 (FYI, I could have done it for 49<\/i>).<\/p>\n

Figure Skating.\u00a0 All of this skating around and twirling to boring music is putting everyone to sleep.\u00a0 Solution:\u00a0 Put two competitors on the ice at the same time.\u00a0 Make them do their routines simultaneously.\u00a0 Collisions will be unavoidable, and yes, rules will allow skaters to whack each other over the back of the head with a sap as they pass.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say that the sequins will fly.\u00a0 Don\u2019t think for a moment that there isn\u2019t a powder keg of repressed aggression seething under all that chiffon.\u00a0 Get ready for record breaking viewership.<\/p>\n

Ski Jumping.\u00a0 Right now what do we get?\u00a0 Each person slides down the slope, takes off and glides smoothly through the air to a clean landing within three microns of each other.\u00a0 Booooooring.\u00a0 Solution:\u00a0 One word \u2013 Blindfolds.\u00a0 Remember the Agony of Defeat guy?\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 Now settle down.\u00a0 They\u2019ll figure it out \u2013 count in their heads or something so they\u2019ll know when to jump.\u00a0 There won\u2019t be nearly the carnage that you hope for.\u00a0 (If we lose too many of them, we can consider using a net).\u00a0 We\u2019re talking Nielsen gold here.\u00a0 This has the potential of becoming the world\u2019s number one spectator sport.<\/p>\n

Curling.\u00a0 Don\u2019t think for a moment that this \u201csport\u201d couldn\u2019t use a swift kick in the ratings.\u00a0 It\u2019s the Sominex of Olympic events.\u00a0 Well, just stand back and let Jack slap the electromagnetic paddles on it, and shock it back to life (or I should I say \u2013 to life<\/i>).\u00a0 Solution (two steps):\u00a0 One.\u00a0 No more taking turns.\u00a0 Teams would go head to head directly across from each other as they attempt to glide their stones (rocks?\u00a0 Whatever) into the little circle thingy.\u00a0 Two.\u00a0 We replace the brooms with spears.\u00a0 Competitors would be forbidden from poking the other team\u2019s stone with the spears, but they would be allowed, encouraged even, to poke each other. \u00a0Let\u2019s see how well those laid back Canadians can aim their rock after a little poke in the keister.<\/p>\n

So, as you can see, with only a few simple rule modifications, the 2018 winter Olympics can be a ginormous blockbuster.\u00a0 Let\u2019s encourage the International Olympic Committee to take the plunge and make Fred Flintstone proud.<\/p>\n

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I think I speak for everyone when I say that the winter Olympics have become rather humdrum.\u00a0 And I also think I speak for everyone when I say the remedy is to return to the fundamentals of good solid entertainment.\u00a0 And by fundamentals, of course, I mean violence.\u00a0 In fact, with the exception of women\u2019s […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[203,205,202,204],"class_list":["post-260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-curling","tag-ice-skating","tag-olympics","tag-ski-jumping"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=260"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1283,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260\/revisions\/1283"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=260"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=260"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=260"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}