{"id":2494,"date":"2020-11-15T13:59:46","date_gmt":"2020-11-15T21:59:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2494"},"modified":"2020-11-15T14:01:53","modified_gmt":"2020-11-15T22:01:53","slug":"how-you-can-tell-when-another-wave-of-covid-is-about-to-strike-read-this-it-may-save-your-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2494","title":{"rendered":"How You Can Tell When Another Wave of Covid is About to Strike (Read This – It May Save Your Life!)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Like you, I\nhave been watching too much tv lately. \nAnd now that all the dead people have finally mailed in their ballots for\n\u201cGood \u2018ole Joe,\u201d Wolf Blitzer can get back to hyperventilating over Covid-19.  This is important, because after a mere two\nmillion hours of coverage, the media is sensing that we, the viewing public, are\nstill clamoring for more.  And, of course,\nwe are\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

NOT!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nevertheless, we continue to watch.  Why?  Because we\u2019re Americans, damn it!  And that\u2019s what we do.  We watch tv!  Not like those godless communists who sit around the kitchen table all night chain-smoking and plotting subversive ways to overthrow our government from within, otherwise known as the \u2026 huh, never mind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you have\nbeen watching all the minute-by-minute updates on Covid-19, you know that there\nare three ways to identify the beginning of another wave of the virus:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. The number\nof people testing positive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. The\nnumber of people requiring hospitalization, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, of\ncourse, the most accurate warning sign –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. The number\nof rolls of toilet paper flying off the shelves.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coal miners\nused to take canaries down into the mines with them as a precaution.  The presence of carbon monoxide would quickly\nkill the canaries and give the (heartless) miners (AKA \u201ccanary murderers\u201d) enough\ntime to get the H, E, double toothpicks out of there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, toilet paper is the canary of 2020.  In fact, I\u2019ve begun a Kickstarter Campaign to raise money for my new toilet paper company, Tweet-Tweet Toilet Paper.  And because of the tremendous devastation this virus has caused so many Americans, a percentage of every roll sold will be donated to help the families of all those canaries who tragically lost their lives.  [For potential investors\u2019 eyes only!  DO Not read further if you are NOT going to be an investor!  — That percentage will be .0000001%.  Who do they think we are, suckers?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Go to TweetTweetToiletPaper.com to learn more about his exciting opportunity.  And, like the political operatives always say, \u201cNever let a tragedy go to waste!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A practical word\nto the wise- <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When another\ncoronavirus wave hits, and you find yourself too late to the toilet paper\naisle, use the simple technique I use.  I\ncall it the \u201cRedneck Bidet.\u201d  All you\nneed is a backyard hose and a towel.  (And\n\u201cthank you\u201d ahead of time, for being so sustainable.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Like you, I have been watching too much tv lately.  And now that all the dead people have finally mailed in their ballots for \u201cGood \u2018ole Joe,\u201d Wolf Blitzer can get back to hyperventilating over Covid-19.  This is important, because after a mere two million hours of coverage, the media is sensing that we, the […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2497,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[897,957,914],"class_list":["post-2494","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-coronavirus-humor","tag-covid-humor","tag-covid-19-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Tweet-Tweet-Final.jpeg?fit=2594%2C2175&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2494","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2494"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2494\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2505,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2494\/revisions\/2505"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2497"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2494"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2494"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2494"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}