{"id":2375,"date":"2020-09-13T10:33:31","date_gmt":"2020-09-13T17:33:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2375"},"modified":"2020-09-13T10:33:35","modified_gmt":"2020-09-13T17:33:35","slug":"the-worlds-worst-chess-player-reveals-his-secrets-to-success","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2375","title":{"rendered":"The World’s Worst Chess Player Reveals His Secrets to Success"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Those of you old enough to remember the 1988 winter Olympics may recall a ski jumper nicknamed, \u201cEddie the Eagle.\u201d\u00a0 Eddie was a British plasterer (yes, this is both a word and a profession) turned ski jumper who was so bad they made a movie about him.\u00a0 Eddie ski jumped with as much grace and precision as a braised ham.\u00a0 So, it is with little pleasure that I confess to you that I am the Eddie the Eagle of chess.\u00a0 I\u2019m not just bad, I stink.\u00a0 If I played chess with a skunk, he would announce midgame, and with no sense of irony, that I stunk.\u00a0 If chess gave out a Razzy award for the worst player each year, I\u2019d have so many they\u2019d be spilling off my mantel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my desperation to improve, I even decided to read a book titled, \u201cChess for Fun & Chess for Blood.\u201d\u00a0 (Yeah, I know, the title\u2019s mildly<\/em> aggressive.)\u00a0 My analysis in selecting the perfect book was this.\u00a0 First, I considered my current level of chess skill.\u00a0 Second, I wrote down a list of weaknesses I wanted to improve.\u00a0 And finally, and perhaps most critically, the book had to be free.\u00a0 I found it in the middle of a stack of dusty books in my mom\u2019s bathroom.\u00a0 Lord only knows how it got there.\u00a0 Historically, we have always been more of a Go Fish family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s the\nbook:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I made it through\nthe first two pages, but here is the problem with reading a book on chess.  The only thing more boring than reading a book\non chess is falling into an irreversible coma. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My trouble\nwith chess is that I have three primary problems:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Concentration.\u00a0 Who can keep up with all those pieces?\u00a0 Every two seconds, a knight comes flying out of nowhere and kills my bishop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Strategy. \u00a0I constantly have to remind myself that the goal is to capture my adversary\u2019s king, not seek revenge against my opponent\u2019s bishop because it just killed my knight.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Learning from my past mistakes. \u00a0My brain lacks a chess hard drive.\u00a0 As a result, I\u2019m like Rain Man, but in a bad way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My niece has\nsix kids (no, I\u2019m serious).  But if\nanyone should have six kids, it\u2019s her and her husband because they are AMAZING\nparents raising AMAZING kids.  The\nproblem is that these kids are chess players. \nYou\u2019ve probably guessed my problem \u2013 I can\u2019t visit her.  Any of her kids, and I mean any of them,\nright down to the one she gave birth to three weeks ago, can kick my a** in\nchess.  Can you even imagine the\nhumiliation of losing to someone whose neck muscles can\u2019t yet fully support the\nweight of her head?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m seriously considering giving up the game altogether.\u00a0 How then would I spend my free time you ask?\u00a0 The answer\u2019s obvious:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ski jumping.\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Those of you old enough to remember the 1988 winter Olympics may recall a ski jumper nicknamed, \u201cEddie the Eagle.\u201d\u00a0 Eddie was a British plasterer (yes, this is both a word and a profession) turned ski jumper who was so bad they made a movie about him.\u00a0 Eddie ski jumped with as much grace and […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2376,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[973,974],"class_list":["post-2375","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-chess-humor","tag-eddie-the-eagle"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/Chess.jpeg?fit=2950%2C2473&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2375","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2375"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2375\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2389,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2375\/revisions\/2389"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2376"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2375"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2375"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2375"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}