{"id":2355,"date":"2020-08-09T15:15:50","date_gmt":"2020-08-09T22:15:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2355"},"modified":"2020-08-09T15:17:44","modified_gmt":"2020-08-09T22:17:44","slug":"welcome-to-the-covid-15-club","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2355","title":{"rendered":"Welcome to the Covid-15 Club!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Thank you\nfor fulfilling your patriotic duty of gaining 15 pounds during the Covid-19\nlockdown.  On behalf of the United States\nof America, we honor your service\u2026 and your appetite.  You are now an official member of the Covid-15\nClub.  Carry those extra pounds with\npride.  You\u2019ve earned it.  Unfortunately, your knee joints are members\nof the Communist Party, and are now demanding you return those hard-earned pounds.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What to do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Introducing\u2026\nThe CBS Television \u201cSurvivor Diet Program.\u201d \nThe benefits of this amazing weight-loss program are many \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. It\u2019s free.  (Disclaimer: \nFree, if you watched Survivor using an antenna, circa 1955.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. The results\nare shocking.  (\u201cBoston Rob\u201d lost 34 pounds\nin less than 40 days.  Of course, he\ngained it all back by the show\u2019s finale in Studio City.  Sorry, Amber.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. It\u2019s simple to implement.  You feast on an entire one-half cup of rice each day, along with any snails you find crawling around outside your house, and, of course, all the coconuts you can harvest from your yard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remarkably, this diet is even more effective than the Costco Diet program I wrote about last year.  That diet, of course, is no longer available because Costco, like so many heartless, multinational conglomerates, has used the coronavirus pandemic to shave a few measly dollars off its bottom line by eliminating all those mouthwatering (and FREE) samples.  A visit to Costco has gone from a tasty stroll in the park, to a march through the barren desert. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If any of you cynics think that the Survivor Diet is just a blatant lie that I\u2019ve concocted, you would be correct.  However, journalist extraordinaire Brynne Chandler wrote an article (this is true \u2013 Google it) titled, \u201cHow to Do the \u2018Survivor\u2019 Diet,\u201d that was posted on the Livestrong website.  In it, she writes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSince May\n2000, U.S. television audiences have been captivated by the physical challenges\nand social maneuvering of the reality series \u2018Survivor.\u2019 One of the most brutal\naspects of the game is the lack of food. The \u2018Survivor\u2019 diet typically consists\nof whatever the contestants can find, pick or catch, which often isn’t much.\nLike most extreme fad diets, a long-term low-calorie diet can be dangerous to\nyour health. With a little ingenuity, you can create your own, healthier\nversion of the \u2018Survivor\u2019 diet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m pretty\nsure that \u201chealthier version\u201d is code for, \u201cyou ain\u2019t losing 34 pounds in 40\ndays.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As for me, I only have one goal.  I’m trying not to win the first ever Covid-15 Club\u2019s Lifetime Achievement Award.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although, now that I think about it, I do have the perfect place for it on my mantel. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Thank you for fulfilling your patriotic duty of gaining 15 pounds during the Covid-19 lockdown.  On behalf of the United States of America, we honor your service\u2026 and your appetite.  You are now an official member of the Covid-15 Club.  Carry those extra pounds with pride.  You\u2019ve earned it.  Unfortunately, your knee joints are members […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2356,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[972,897,726,971,970,957,969],"class_list":["post-2355","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-coivid-19-humor","tag-coronavirus-humor","tag-costco-diet","tag-covid-15","tag-covid-diet","tag-covid-humor","tag-survivor-diet"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/Survivor-Diet.jpeg?fit=3607%2C3024&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2355","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2355"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2355\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2366,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2355\/revisions\/2366"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2356"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2355"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2355"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2355"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}