{"id":2312,"date":"2020-08-02T08:33:45","date_gmt":"2020-08-02T15:33:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2312"},"modified":"2020-08-04T09:09:02","modified_gmt":"2020-08-04T16:09:02","slug":"the-killer-whales-of-depoe-bay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2312","title":{"rendered":"The Killer Whales of Depoe Bay Brazenly Defy CDC Guidelines"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Whale watching is a safe activity.  At least, I always thought so, until a whale tried to kill me.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let me\nexplain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Oregon coast is a great place to watch whales.  My family has a beach house in the little town of Depoe Bay.  Locals and tourists enjoy standing along the seawall and gazing out looking for whales.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was recently taking a walk along the seawall, and I came across a group of folks intently looking out to sea.  It was obvious they had spotted a whale.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before I continue, I need to remind you that a few weeks ago I wrote a column where I explained that facemasks do not pass the \u201cfart test.\u201d  That is, even with a facemask, if someone lets one fly, the facemask doesn\u2019t save you.  The smell molecules of that fart still assault your nostrils.  As a result, everyone from Boston to Seattle charged after me with steak knives.  They all kept repeating the same term – \u201cwater droplets.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFacemasks\nprevent \u2018water droplets\u2019 from flying out into the air!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s\nWATER DROPLETS that are the problem!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey, dummy!  It doesn\u2019t matter if you can still smell a\nfart.  Water droplets are killing people!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d never seen so many exclamation points in my life.  They beat me down into the fetal position.  In fact, I coined a new term – \u201cfacemask-splaining.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Back to my story about walking along the seawall.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not long\nafter I joined the whale watchers, a whale exhaled a spout of water.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is a crappy\npicture I took using my iPhone \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Here is an extra crappy, zoomed-in version –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Moments later, the whale\u2019s fluke (tail) emerged. (Sorry for the “whale-splaining”) \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s an extra crappy, zoomed-in version \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

This is when\nit hit me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cats get\nCOVID-19.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dogs get COVID-19.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A whale is a mammal.  Why can\u2019t a whale get COVID-19?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AND, when whales\nshoot water out their blowholes, what are they creating?  WATER DROPLETS!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These\nirresponsible whales are spouting COVID-19 up and down the coast!  It\u2019s almost enough to make me root for those\nJapanese whalers on Whale Wars. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We never hear\nthe end of how intelligent whales are.  They\u2019re\none of the smartest mammals on earth.  How\nabout they snap to it and start obeying rudimentary CDC guidelines?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fart test, or no fart test, these magnificent creatures of the deep need to take immediate corrective action.  It may take a little ingenuity on their part, perhaps manufacturing something from seaweed and krill, but they have a moral imperative. And that moral imperative is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To start wearing blowhole masks!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Whale watching is a safe activity.  At least, I always thought so, until a whale tried to kill me.  Let me explain. The Oregon coast is a great place to watch whales.  My family has a beach house in the little town of Depoe Bay.  Locals and tourists enjoy standing along the seawall and gazing […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2313,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[897,957,952,968],"class_list":["post-2312","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-coronavirus-humor","tag-covid-humor","tag-facemask-humor","tag-whale-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/Fake-Whale.jpeg?fit=3607%2C3024&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2312","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2312"}],"version-history":[{"count":33,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2312\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2352,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2312\/revisions\/2352"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2313"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2312"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2312"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2312"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}