{"id":2296,"date":"2020-07-25T09:03:42","date_gmt":"2020-07-25T16:03:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2296"},"modified":"2020-07-25T09:03:46","modified_gmt":"2020-07-25T16:03:46","slug":"nfl-announces-plans-to-play-flag-football-to-maintain-social-distancing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2296","title":{"rendered":"NFL Announces Plans to Play “Flag Football” to Maintain Social Distancing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Citing concern for player safety, the NFL announced today that it will modify the game this season to what it is promoting as, \u201cThe most exciting brand of flag football ever before played!\u201d\u00a0 The NFL has released a new tagline: \u201cIt\u2019s flag Lightning, Baby!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In keeping with Center for Disease Control guidelines, the \u201cflags\u201d will be six feet in length, measured from the far end of flag back to the player\u2019s outer butt cheek.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A source inside NFL management, who asked to remain anonymous, told media sources that, so far, test games have been an unmitigated disaster.\u00a0 \u201cThe flags are just too dang long!\u00a0 Guys are accidently stepping on their own flags and pulling them off as they run down the field!\u00a0 They are literally \u2018tackling\u2019 themselves.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This same\nsource revealed three proposed rule changes intended to address this problem:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rule One<\/strong> \u2013 At the line of scrimmage, even if the wind blows an opposing player\u2019s flag over the line, the opposing player CANNOT step on it and shoot the flag\u2019s owner a dirty smirk.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rule Two<\/strong> \u2013 If you accidently step on your own flag as you advance down the field carrying the football, you are not down.\u00a0 Much like when an MMA fight is stopped to check on the consciousness of a fighter, the referee must momentarily stop the play and reattach the flag.\u00a0 The ref must then reposition each player to his precise position prior to the stoppage, and then signal the play to resume.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rule Three<\/strong> \u2013 You cannot use your flags for non-flag related purposes, such as tying them around your waist as a belt, lassoing another player, and ABSOLUTELY NOT strangling another player – except during overtime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All major television networks have expressed reservations about broadcasting this version of the game.\u00a0 The head of NBC sports publicly confessed his concern that reruns of Canadian curling might beat \u201clightning flag\u201d in the ratings.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Asked about this change at a White House Coronavirus briefing, Dr. Fauci ecstatically praised the league for its bold and creative decision to put safety first.\u00a0 Asked further whether he planned to watch any of the new flag football games, Dr. Fauci responded, \u201cI\u2019ll be watching curling.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Citing concern for player safety, the NFL announced today that it will modify the game this season to what it is promoting as, \u201cThe most exciting brand of flag football ever before played!\u201d\u00a0 The NFL has released a new tagline: \u201cIt\u2019s flag Lightning, Baby!\u201d In keeping with Center for Disease Control guidelines, the \u201cflags\u201d will […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2297,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[967,964,966,965],"class_list":["post-2296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-flag-football-humor","tag-nfl-covid-19","tag-nfl-flag-football","tag-nfl-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/NFL-Football.png?fit=768%2C644&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2296","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2296"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2296\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2309,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2296\/revisions\/2309"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2297"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}