{"id":229,"date":"2013-12-26T06:22:26","date_gmt":"2013-12-26T14:22:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=229"},"modified":"2018-07-25T19:45:13","modified_gmt":"2018-07-26T02:45:13","slug":"next-years-smash-must-have-christmas-gift","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=229","title":{"rendered":"Next Year’s Smash “Must Have” Christmas Gift"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Sumptuosus<\/a><\/p>\n

It’s next year\u2019s smash \u201cMust Have\u201d Christmas gift.\u00a0 Eager consumers will be lining up like penguins in the freezing cold outside Macy’s at 3:00 a.m. on Black Friday clutching their Visas.\u00a0 Shark Tank producers will be begging me to appear on their show.\u00a0 And yes, Mr. Wonderful, I’ve got a patent pending (well, patent pending, pending – I’ve bookmarked the US Patent Office website).\u00a0 Pull out your checkbook Mark Cuban – you\u2019ll want a piece of this!\u00a0 It’s called Sumptuosus Aquae – and it’s the world’s very first fragrance-free perfume.<\/p>\n

Consumers will go bonkers over it, because it solves the problem guys run into every time they add to their mounting unsecured credit card debt trying desperately to please their mate \u2013 she sniffs at it like a jug of three-week old milk and then says politely, \u201cIt\u2019s nice\u2026, but it\u2019s not for me.\u201d\u00a0 It’s too sweet.\u00a0 It’s too musky.\u00a0 It’s too whatever. \u00a0She just doesn’t like it.\u00a0 But Sumptuosus Aquae solves that problem.\u00a0 For the very reasonable price of $80, you get a beautiful one ounce spray bottle in a designer box complete with ribbon, or if you really love her, and aren’t just pretending, you can spring for the two ounce bottle for only $120.\u00a0 Sumptuosus Aquae also solves other common perfume problems:<\/p>\n

1. She doesn\u2019t have to worry about applying too much.<\/p>\n

2. Those irritating people at the office who are overly sensitive to otherwise pleasant fragrances will stop making their annoying complaints to HR, and will have to divert their time to hunting down those violating the strict peanut allergy regulations (that they helped implement).<\/p>\n

3. Sumptuosus Aquae is guaranteed to be 100% hypoallergenic.<\/p>\n

4. And, as I explain in detail below, on the off chance that you ever find yourself stranded in the Mohave Desert, you can drink it.\u00a0 Yes, Sumptuosus Aquae may actually save your girlfriend\u2019s\/wife\u2019s\/significant other\u2019s life one day!<\/p>\n

Mark Cuban, Mr. Wonderful, and the rest of the gang at Shark Tank will have massive heart attacks and take knives to one another scrapping for a piece of this thing.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because the mark up on regular perfume (the kind that is incapable of saving your life in the desert, i.e. \u201cnon-lifesaving perfume\u201d) is just over one million percent.\u00a0 Just below the margin on tar heroin.\u00a0 Well, Ha-Ha to that, because Sumptuosus Aquae knocks the socks off that silly margin.\u00a0 Why? Because of the pure genius of the patent pending, pending, formula.\u00a0 You see, thanks to the fact that only three people currently living in the US speak Latin, no one will realize (at least according to Google Translate) that Sumptuosus Aquae is Latin for “expensive water.”\u00a0 The formula?\u00a0 Water + Love.\u00a0 Yeah, that’s right.\u00a0 We don’t hold back on pouring in the love.\u00a0 We inject massive amounts of love into each and every bottle.<\/p>\n

Don’t wait!\u00a0 Pre-order your two ounce bottle of life-saving, fragrance-free perfume at www.SumptuosusAquae.com. \u00a0Workers at the Culver City Municipal Water Treatment Plant are standing by.<\/p>\n

Note from Jack Edwards:\u00a0<\/b> If you enjoyed this week\u2019s column, please consider using the various \u201cshare\u201d buttons\u00a0\ud83d\ude42\u00a0 Also consider \u201csubscribing,\u201d and we\u2019ll email you the column each week.\u00a0 Just click on the menu symbol in the upper right hand corner of this page if you\u2019re on a desktop (the three horizontal lines), or scroll down if you\u2019re on a cell phone.\u00a0 It\u2019s free, and we promise not to do anything with your email address other than send you the column.\u00a0Thank you!<\/p>\n

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It\u2019s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s next year\u2019s smash \u201cMust Have\u201d Christmas gift.\u00a0 Eager consumers will be lining up like penguins in the freezing cold outside Macy’s at 3:00 a.m. on Black Friday clutching their Visas.\u00a0 Shark Tank producers will be begging me to appear on their show.\u00a0 And yes, Mr. Wonderful, I’ve got a patent pending (well, patent pending, […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[155,18,532,158,157,33,19,161,160,156,159],"class_list":["post-229","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-christmas","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-hypoallergenic","tag-latin","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-mark-cuban","tag-mr-wonderful","tag-perfume","tag-shark-tank"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/229","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=229"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/229\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1421,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/229\/revisions\/1421"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=229"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=229"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=229"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}