{"id":2111,"date":"2020-04-25T07:39:55","date_gmt":"2020-04-25T14:39:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2111"},"modified":"2020-04-25T07:41:18","modified_gmt":"2020-04-25T14:41:18","slug":"were-supposed-to-be-productive-during-the-quarantine-so-im-fixing-the-us-map","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2111","title":{"rendered":"We’re Supposed To Be Productive During The Quarantine, So I’m Fixing the US Map"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The United States is the sloppy roommate of First World countries.\u00a0 Look at our map.\u00a0 It\u2019s a disaster. Whoever drew it was obviously high on \u201cmagic\u201d mushrooms. \u00a0I should know. I live in Eugene. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our western states\nare okay, with the possible exception of Idaho\u2019s \u201cpanhandle,\u201d but we\u2019ll let\nthat go, because the rest of the country is a hot geographical mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are our\nmost delinquent states \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oklahoma.\n<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can let\nIdaho\u2019s panhandle slide, but Oklahoma\u2019s panhandle is completely<\/em> out of\ncontrol.  It makes Oklahoma LOOK LIKE A\nPOT.  (Do you understand?  Not a pan<\/em>.  A pot!) \nIt\u2019s a \u201cpothandle.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Do us all a favor, Oklahoma.\u00a0 Chop it off and give it to Texas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Michigan.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This state\nis a geographical Frankenstein.  Michigan\nhas what is colloquially referred to as the \u201cU.P.\u201d or Upper Peninsula.  It\u2019s not even attached!
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It should be\npart of Wisconsin.  Or, hell, just give\nit to Canada.  (If they\u2019ll take it).  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mississippi.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mississippi ranks last in every statistical category, with one exception.\u00a0 It\u2019s first in \u201cLack of Dignity.\u201d\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 It lets Louisiana punk it by occupying half of Mississippi\u2019s rightful coastline!
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

This is an outrage.\u00a0 I am hereby calling on all Mississippians to pick up arms and seize possession of their coastal waterfront.\u00a0 A few hundred causalities are a small price for Mississippians to regain their dignity.\u00a0 (Send your teenagers to fight.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like they\u2019re in high school.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Now that I notice it, you need to get your act together too, Alabama!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Florida.<\/strong> \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It time to cut off this unsightly appendage.\u00a0 It makes our country look weird, and it\u2019s been nothing but a pain in the a** for decades.\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Forget the fact that they are incapable of properly filling out a ballot. From a Freudian perspective, Florida is the genitalia of the United States. And, frankly, it makes us look sexist. The Saudis are always buying ostentatious crap.\u00a0 Sell it to them.\u00a0 Let them worry about being eaten by a crocodile \u2013 OR, more likely, the Disney Corporation.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rhode\nIsland.<\/strong>  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rhode Island\u2019s\nborders are fine.  I really should not\nhave even included it here.  But look at\nit \u2013
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s NOT an island.\u00a0 They\u2019re lying to us.\u00a0 We should force them to change their name to Rhode.\u00a0 I feel VERY strongly about this.\u00a0 I grew up on the west coast and attended Alsea Elementary School, so I only recently found out it wasn\u2019t an island.\u00a0 We simply cannot<\/em> allow this pipsqueak state to pull this fast one on the nation any longer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vermont\nand New Hampshire.<\/strong>  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These states\nshould merge.  Then it would be a nice,\nnormal, rectangle-shaped state. 
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

We could name it \u201cNew Corona.\u201d\u00a0 This would remind us that, yes<\/em>, this virus did devastate our country and drop us to our knees financially, but at least it gave us the opportunity to right this geographical wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally,\nthere is the BIG problem of \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MARYLAND!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do I even\nneed to say it?
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Why in Sam\nHill does Maryland have a rat tail sticking out toward the west?  I\u2019m sorry, but this is an enormous, stinking\nelephant in our geographical living room. \nIt\u2019s high time we confront it.  This\nis land that West Virginia should be polluting. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is our New\nand Improved Post-Corona Map \u2013
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Now, that I\u2019ve finally gotten this off my chest, I\u2019ll let you get back to your <\/em>productive quarantine activities.\u00a0 You may now resume binge-watching Tiger King.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please do me a\nfavor \u2013 Comment and share!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And subscribe!  It\u2019s free!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a \u201cThree\nMinute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also,\nbefore you leave \u2013<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Link below)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Link below)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Link below)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The United States is the sloppy roommate of First World countries.\u00a0 Look at our map.\u00a0 It\u2019s a disaster. Whoever drew it was obviously high on \u201cmagic\u201d mushrooms. \u00a0I should know. I live in Eugene. Our western states are okay, with the possible exception of Idaho\u2019s \u201cpanhandle,\u201d but we\u2019ll let that go, because the rest of […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[922,918,924,920,925,927,919,923,926],"class_list":["post-2111","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-florida-humor","tag-geography-humor","tag-maryland-humor","tag-michigan-humor","tag-mississippi-humor","tag-new-hampshire-humor","tag-oklahoma-humor","tag-rhode-island-humor","tag-vermont-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2111","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2111"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2111\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2480,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2111\/revisions\/2480"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2111"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2111"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2111"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}