{"id":202,"date":"2013-11-14T00:06:45","date_gmt":"2013-11-14T08:06:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=202"},"modified":"2018-07-25T19:35:12","modified_gmt":"2018-07-26T02:35:12","slug":"american-football-renamed-handball","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=202","title":{"rendered":"American Football Renamed “Handball”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Handball\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I am as stubborn as the next guy.\u00a0 Do I ever stop and ask for directions?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Even when I\u2019m hopelessly lost?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Even running late to an important event? \u00a0No.\u00a0 A wedding?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 A funeral?\u00a0 Sorry, not going to happen.\u00a0 Back when the United States was trying desperately to convert to the metric system, I was playing defense on the front line.\u00a0 It was not going to happen.\u00a0 Not on my watch.\u00a0 We measure by feet, gallons and pounds.\u00a0 Liters are for smarmy folks who prefer mineral water over tap water.\u00a0 I am still duking the liter thing out. \u00a0I make a point of buying my soda in 12 and 16 ounce containers.\u00a0 I scorn the half liters and the liter bottles.\u00a0 In short, I am as set in my ways as any other red blooded, ethnocentric American.\u00a0 I offer this proof of my loyalty to tradition, because I am about to commit sport\u2019s fan heresy.\u00a0 I may even need to enter the witness protection program, change my name, and get a nose job.<\/p>\n

The title says it all.\u00a0 It is indeed time for the US to man-up and join the rest of the civilized (and uncivilized) world in referring to the game Americans call soccer, by its more logical name, football.\u00a0 Yes, I am fully aware that this would cause a domino effect.\u00a0 We would need to rename our national sport (No, not baseball – wake up buddy; look at those empty stadium seats).\u00a0 American football has little to do with feet.\u00a0 In fact, it has as much to do with feet as soccer has to do with hands.\u00a0 So, there you have it – we should rename American football \u201chandball.\u201d\u00a0 (Now don\u2019t start whining; the runner-up alternative name was my personal favorite, \u201cconcussion ball.\u201d)\u00a0 \u201cBut Jack,\u201d you say, \u201cshouldn\u2019t we ask the Canadians?\u00a0 They play American football too.\u201d\u00a0 No.\u00a0 They\u2019ll just need to get with the program.\u00a0 It\u2019s not real football anyway.\u00a0 \u201cBut Jack, there is already a sport called handball.\u201d\u00a0 No, not really.\u00a0 There are only three people who play handball, and I have already spoken to each one.\u00a0 They were fine with it.\u00a0 I gave them their choice of three new names: Palm ball, small ball, or wall ball.\u00a0 They chose wall ball for obvious reasons.\u00a0 When I mentioned to them that racquet ball players used walls too, almost in unison, they chuckled and whispered something in a derogatory tone under their breath. \u00a0Then they stared at me as if they had just eaten something sour.<\/p>\n

And here is where you, my loyal readers, come in to play.\u00a0 Although my audience includes readers from over 50 countries (a true and shocking fact\u2014who would have imagined?), only a tornado-like social media revolution will rock my pig-headed brethren into even considering this modest and reasonable change.\u00a0 (As a side note, it would be great for the American economy, like when Apple decided to screw everybody over by changing the plugin for the iPhone 5 and force us to buy new $20 chargers that cost Apple a negative one penny to produce, except here it would be sports apparel).\u00a0 I know that both the American and the world football audience is out there.\u00a0 In fact, I wrote a column titled \u201cStinky Football Fan Creates Chaos,\u201d and loyal fans of Jocularious.com nearly burned up GoDaddy\u2019s servers.\u00a0 So I rest my case.\u00a0 I\u2019ve done my duty.\u00a0 It\u2019s now time for the world\u2019s soccer<\/i> fans to like<\/i>, share<\/i> and tweet<\/i> this worthy cause to victory.\u00a0 Let the handball revolution begin!<\/p>\n

_______<\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am as stubborn as the next guy.\u00a0 Do I ever stop and ask for directions?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Even when I\u2019m hopelessly lost?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Even running late to an important event? \u00a0No.\u00a0 A wedding?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 A funeral?\u00a0 Sorry, not going to happen.\u00a0 Back when the United States was trying desperately to convert to the metric system, […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[24,123,91,121,119,532,94,120,118,122],"class_list":["post-202","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-apple","tag-baseball","tag-football","tag-godaddy","tag-handball","tag-humor","tag-iphone","tag-racquetball","tag-soccer","tag-social-meda"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/202","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=202"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/202\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1414,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/202\/revisions\/1414"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=202"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=202"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=202"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}