{"id":2012,"date":"2020-03-15T11:13:43","date_gmt":"2020-03-15T18:13:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2012"},"modified":"2020-03-15T11:13:51","modified_gmt":"2020-03-15T18:13:51","slug":"social-distancing-lesson-one-weaponizing-bad-breath","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2012","title":{"rendered":"\u201cSocial Distancing” Lesson One: Weaponizing Bad Breath"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Nothing says\nsocial distancing like murderous breath. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Commit this lifesaving\nmotto to memory:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stinky\nBreath Today, Keep Coronavirus Away!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bad breath buys\nyou – AT A MINIMUM \u2013 a three-foot buffer zone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not sure\nwhere the whole six-foot buffer zone came from, but it makes sense.  The average American isn\u2019t six feet tall, so\neven in the sudden and unexpected drop-dead emergency, you are unlikely to be in\nthe \u201cstrike zone.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We know a\nlot about this here in Oregon, because Oregon law requires that drivers stay at\nleast six feet away from bicyclists.  I\u2019m\nnot bragging, but we were ready for the Coronavirus before being ready for the\nCoronavirus was cool.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please\nconsider employing these \u201cKung Fu\u201d Breath Safety Techniques:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Morning \u201cCoat\nof Armor\u201d \u2013 After you brush your teeth<\/em>, begin your day with a steaming\ncup of dark coffee laced with a heavily sweetened creamer.  Roll it around in your mouth.  Use your tongue to massage it into the deep\nrecesses of your mouth.  Let it sit and\nmarinate on your tongue until it works its way in between your taste buds.  Before long, even your best friends will call\nyou \u201cDragon Breath\u201d to your face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The \u201cLunch Break Six-Shooter\u201d \u2013 According to Bianca Mendez, in her article, \u201cThe 22 Best and Worst Foods for Your Breath,\u201d she writes, \u201cAny fish that comes out of a can is going to carry a stench. And when you lunch on tuna, that smell isn’t going to disappear. When fish gets tinned, it begins to oxidize, which is why they have a scent. This smell clings to your mouth, giving your breath an unpleasant fishy odor.\u201d\u00a0 There you have it folks; canned tuna is your new best friend!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The \u201cNuclear Option\u201d \u2013 I\u2019m not a licensed and accredited biologist, but it is my understanding that as bacteria breaks down protein in food, it creates sulfur compounds.\u00a0 And sulfur compounds smell like, wait for it<\/em>\u2026 rotten eggs!\u00a0 So as we confront today\u2019s Coronavirus challenge, remember that it\u2019s perfectly fine to be an Egg-Head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please use these helpful techniques to create a toxic plume that not even the Coronavirus would dare penetrate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, of\ncourse –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WASH YOUR HANDS!<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Nothing says social distancing like murderous breath.  Commit this lifesaving motto to memory: Stinky Breath Today, Keep Coronavirus Away! Bad breath buys you – AT A MINIMUM \u2013 a three-foot buffer zone. I\u2019m not sure where the whole six-foot buffer zone came from, but it makes sense.  The average American isn\u2019t six feet tall, so […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[897,898,899,900,901],"class_list":["post-2012","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-coronavirus-humor","tag-coronavirus-social-distancing","tag-social-distance","tag-social-distancing","tag-toxic-breath"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2012","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2012"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2012\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2024,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2012\/revisions\/2024"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2012"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2012"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2012"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}