{"id":1964,"date":"2020-02-21T22:29:33","date_gmt":"2020-02-22T06:29:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1964"},"modified":"2020-02-21T22:29:41","modified_gmt":"2020-02-22T06:29:41","slug":"the-first-thing-to-know-before-visiting-vietnam-do-not-visit-vietnam","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1964","title":{"rendered":"The First Thing to Know Before Visiting Vietnam – Do Not Visit Vietnam!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

As you read\nthis, I am on a plane to Vietnam.  The\nmost important thing I learned during my recent \u201cVisiting Vietnam Orientation\u201d\nwas that under no circumstances should I ever visit Vietnam.  Just kidding! \n(If you read the previous sentence backwards, it spells \u2013 \u201cHelp!  They\u2019re taking me to Vietnam!\u201d)  Okay, now I\u2019m REALLY <\/em>kidding!  (Please, I\u2019m begging you!  Read the last sentence backwards and call the\nFBI.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My\norientation on visiting Vietnam was conducted by someone, who for the purpose\nof this column, I will refer to as \u201cTina.\u201d  This is because her name is Tina.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tina is\nmarrying my fake nephew Kian.  Our\nfamilies have been friends long before any of us had kids, so I have been\nKian\u2019s fake uncle since his birth.  Not\nto brag, but I\u2019m about as legit a \u201cFake Uncle\u201d as you can get.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, Tina\nand Kian are getting married in her home country of Vietnam, and so everybody\u2019s\npacking up and heading to Vietnam.  Tina\nand Kian wisely invited us to Vietnam BEFORE Tina presented her orientation on\nVietnam.  We have decided to show them\nhow much we love them by agreeing to contract the Coronavirus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The three most\nimportant things I learned during Tina\u2019s orientation were:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, Vietnamese\nmosquitoes are the size of carrier pigeons. \nShe recommended we carry a small telescoping baton to beat the creatures\naway.  However, this is only effective if\nwe are assaulted by a single mosquito. \nIf we are assaulted by a pack or \u201cherd\u201d of Vietnamese mosquitoes, we are\nsupposed to lay down and \u201cplay dead\u201d – like you\u2019re supposed to do when you\nconfront a bear.  (I think.)  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, there is a 75% chance we will be struck and killed trying to cross the street.\u00a0 Tina showed us a YouTube video on how to cross the street.\u00a0 The video showed a skinny white guy slowly step out into a stream of moving traffic \u2013 and here is the critical fact \u2013 the traffic DOES NOT STOP.\u00a0 He steps out into the stream, and the cars, motorcycles, camels and all other means of conveyance just keep moving forward and dodging him as he slowly creeps across.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They say that there is a significant difference between being a \u201ctraveler\u201d and being a \u201ctourist.\u201d\u00a0 Let me be clear, I am a \u201ctourist.\u201d\u00a0 Travelers eat locally roasted bugs.\u00a0 Tourists eat Big Macs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Third, in a\ncunning move to get revenge on Americans\u2019 failed imperialist attempt to conquer\ntheir country, the Vietnamese government adds a chemical to its drinking water.  One sip, and this special additive makes every\nAmerican as sick as a goose that\u2019s overdosed on Metamucil.  It starts pouring out of both ends.  Welcome to Vietnam!  It\u2019s Dee-lightful<\/em>!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By now, I am\ncurled up in a fetal position in seat 33A heading to Saigon.  I\u2019m clutching a baton, a nuclear grade water filtration\nbottle and an industrial sized bottle of Xanax (to help me cross the street).  I\u2019m also wearing a set of dog tags so they\ncan identify my body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Got a moment?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please do me a\nfavor and comment and share!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, consider\nsubscribing – It\u2019s free!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a Three\nMinute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s\nSong: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for\nthe College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You\nNeed to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As you read this, I am on a plane to Vietnam.  The most important thing I learned during my recent \u201cVisiting Vietnam Orientation\u201d was that under no circumstances should I ever visit Vietnam.  Just kidding!  (If you read the previous sentence backwards, it spells \u2013 \u201cHelp!  They\u2019re taking me to Vietnam!\u201d)  Okay, now I\u2019m REALLY […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[880,881,879],"class_list":["post-1964","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-vietnam-humor","tag-vietnam-tourist-humor","tag-vietnam-travel"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1964","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1964"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1964\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1974,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1964\/revisions\/1974"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1964"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1964"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1964"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}