{"id":1863,"date":"2020-01-04T07:02:00","date_gmt":"2020-01-04T15:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1863"},"modified":"2020-01-04T07:02:07","modified_gmt":"2020-01-04T15:02:07","slug":"nothing-says-buying-in-bulk-like-watching-a-kid-sneeze-directly-into-the-bin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1863","title":{"rendered":"Nothing Says Buying in Bulk Like Watching a Kid Sneeze Directly into the Bin"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

My sister-in-law recently told me she liked to buy grocery items in bulk. You know – pasta, flour, rice, et cetera – from those big bins.\u00a0 I told her that those bulk bins were dangerous because members of the “general public” had direct access.\u00a0 It simply wasn\u2019t sanitary.\u00a0 I asked her why she was wasting time.\u00a0 I suggested that she just have some snot-nosed kid sneeze directly into her mouth.\u00a0 She told me I was an idiot, and pointed out that the bins were sealed.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is true that some<\/em> bulk containers are sealed.\u00a0 Those are the bins that have a lever at the bottom.\u00a0 The lever is designed so that when you lift it, three times what you want shoots out like [redacted] from a goose.\u00a0 Here is an example (of the bins, not the goose) \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Most bins, however,\nhave lids designed to lift and expose their contents to the diseased ridden \u201cgeneral\npublic.\u201d  Here they are \u2013
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

You might\nthink that my comment to my sister-in-law was just an effort to get under her\nskin and, in general, be a jerk.  I want\nyou to know that I am deeply offended by this. \nAnyone who\u2019s been reading my columns should know that, OF COURSE, this\nwas my intention.    But I also said it because of something I\nwitnessed the week before.  It happened in\na natural food store near my office.  (I\nwas there because it is near my office, not because it caters to women who last\nshaved their armpits during the Eisenhower Administration.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, I was headed back toward the deli, and this took me right past the bulk food section.\u00a0 A kid was lifting the lid from one of the bins.\u00a0 He looked about seven or eight.\u00a0 He stood for a moment pondering the contents.\u00a0 Then, suddenly, he reared back and sneezed right into the bin with the blunt force of a Cat 5 hurricane. \u00a0Then he nonchalantly shut the lid \u2026 \u00a0and OPENED ANOTHER LID!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This got me thinking about lid height and the chances a kid might sneeze into a particular bin.\u00a0 (The FDA really should pay me for this valuable research.)\u00a0 Let\u2019s take a look at this display for our research purposes \u2013
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

These bins\nare positioned three rows high.  The\nlowest one is the perfect height for a communicably ill child to lift the lid\nand unleash a spray of virus thicker than a crop duster.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My tireless\nresearch has resulting in the follow scientific findings:  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You should only buy food from containers positioned high enough so that children cannot access them.\u00a0 By employing this important safety measure, you will only be eating food which has been sneezed on by adults.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bon appetite!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please comment\nand share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s\nSong: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for\nthe College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You\nNeed to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My sister-in-law recently told me she liked to buy grocery items in bulk. You know – pasta, flour, rice, et cetera – from those big bins.\u00a0 I told her that those bulk bins were dangerous because members of the “general public” had direct access.\u00a0 It simply wasn\u2019t sanitary.\u00a0 I asked her why she was wasting […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[845,847,848,846],"class_list":["post-1863","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-buying-in-bulk","tag-cheapskate-humor","tag-frugal-humor","tag-shopping-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1863","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1863"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1863\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1870,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1863\/revisions\/1870"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1863"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1863"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1863"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}