{"id":1773,"date":"2019-11-10T09:23:11","date_gmt":"2019-11-10T17:23:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1773"},"modified":"2019-11-10T09:23:20","modified_gmt":"2019-11-10T17:23:20","slug":"how-you-can-help-save-the-giant-panda","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1773","title":{"rendered":"How You Can Help Save the Giant Panda"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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If there is\none thing I know, it\u2019s how to gain a disturbing amount of weight over a remarkably\nshort period of time.  I don\u2019t want to\nbrag, but I once outgrew a pair of Wrangler jeans in under two weeks.  How does this help save the giant panda, you\nask?  Keep reading.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not claiming\nto be a certified<\/em> expert on the giant panda.  However, I did watch the entire Sixty Minutes\nstory last Sunday.  I even paused the show\nwhen I went to use the can.  That <\/em>is\nhow committed I am to the plight of this majestic (though largely useless) animal.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The giant\npanda is the official animal of China.  Say\nwhat you will about China\u2019s human rights abuses \u2013 the imprisonment of\ndissidents, the repression of religious liberty, the forced harvesting of human\norgans \u2013 just remember one thing: These abuses are against their people, NOT their\npandas.  FACT: China has never, NOT ONCE,\nimprisoned a panda for his political views.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Sixty Minutes, the wild giant panda population is dropping faster than you can say \u201cChina is the world leader in intellectual property theft.\u201d\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s the panda\nscoop:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fact #1 \u2013 Female\npandas can only conceive three days a year. \n(Note to self:  Bottle giant panda\nhormones.  Sell them on the black market\nas birth control.  Make billions $$$.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fact #2 \u2013 Pandas\nmust eat bamboo 17 hours a day because each pound of bamboo provides about half\na nano-calorie of energy.  Thus, pandas\nare always too exhausted for any extracurricular activities.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fact #1 +\nFact #2 = There\u2019s only one new panda born in the wild every 172.3 years.  Just kidding!  The actual scientific number is two<\/em>\nbaby pandas every 172.3 years.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The solution\n\u2013  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Chinese must\ntalk to the Japanese.  I know they\u2019re\nstill a little sore about Japan concurring China during WW II, and all the torture,\nbeheadings, systematic rape and general mayhem the Japanese imposed on them,\nbut they really need to get over that because, trust me, the Japanese can save\nthe panda.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chinese\nPanda Officials need to ask the Japanese to loan them one of their sumo\nwrestling dietitians.  They need to put\nthese pandas on the sumo diet.  I know a\nlittle something about this diet because I accidently ended up on it for\nseveral months a while back.  This is the\ndiet that Japanese sumo wrestlers use to gain that extra pound or two to give\nthem a competitive edge.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sumo\ndiet is easy to use and extremely effective<\/em>.  Step one: Wait until late in the evening and settle\ndown to watch an episode of Hawaii Five-O. \nStep two: Wash down generous quantities of high carbohydrate snacks with\ncopious amounts of beer.  Step three:\nSleep on a belly full of that mixture night after night and let Mother Nature\nwork her magic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you truly care about saving the giant panda, here is what you need to do TODAY:\u00a0 Send a letter to the Chinese Giant Panda Central Authority and ask them to immediately implement the sumo wrestler diet.\u00a0 I am confident that with your help, in less than two weeks, not a single giant panda will be able to fit into his Wrangler jeans.\u00a0 And soon after, they\u2019ll have baby pandas coming out the wazoo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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WAIT! \u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re not done yet.\u00a0 Earn good karma!\u00a0 Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Subscribe!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It\u2019s a Three\nMinute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s\nSong: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for\nthe College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You\nNeed to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If there is one thing I know, it\u2019s how to gain a disturbing amount of weight over a remarkably short period of time.  I don\u2019t want to brag, but I once outgrew a pair of Wrangler jeans in under two weeks.  How does this help save the giant panda, you ask?  Keep reading. I am […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1776,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[823,822],"class_list":["post-1773","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-china-humor","tag-panda-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/Panda-FB.jpeg?fit=1400%2C732&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1773","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1773"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1773\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1780,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1773\/revisions\/1780"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1776"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1773"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1773"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1773"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}