{"id":175,"date":"2013-10-24T05:51:58","date_gmt":"2013-10-24T12:51:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=175"},"modified":"2018-07-25T19:31:25","modified_gmt":"2018-07-26T02:31:25","slug":"stinky-football-fan-creates-chaos","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=175","title":{"rendered":"Stinky Football Fan Creates Chaos"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Stinky\"<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

Dear Abby,<\/p>\n

I am at my whit\u2019s end.\u00a0 I requested a change in the location of my college football season tickets, and couldn\u2019t be happier with the new view; however, my wife and I quickly realized why these seats became available.\u00a0 The guy to our left smells like a dead possum.\u00a0 The stink fumes rising off this guy are actually visible.\u00a0 I have visited landfills on hot August days that were less offensive.\u00a0 After considerable thought, we have identified the following options:<\/p>\n

Option 1.\u00a0 The stadium has a \u201cjumbotron,\u201d an enormous video screen visible to all 60,000 people in attendance.\u00a0 For an immodest fee, fans can post announcements during breaks in the game.\u00a0 Birthday wishes.\u00a0 Anniversaries.\u00a0 An occasional marriage proposal.\u00a0 (This is the University of Oregon\u2019s Autzen Stadium – but delete this comment before you publish this, I don\u2019t need to get dragged out to the parking lot by the athletic department\u2019s henchmen and put through a little \u201cSpring Training\u201d if you get my drift.\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say they don\u2019t tolerate criticism of their program very kindly, even if it is just one smelly guy in Section 32.\u00a0 I repeat, DELETE THIS COMMENT BEFORE PUBLICATION!) Anyway, my idea is to surreptitiously take a photo of my neighbor using my iPhone, and then posting the photo with an anonymous message on the jumbotron.\u00a0 Something subtle.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking, something like, \u201cWhen even your dog won\u2019t sit next to you, it\u2019s probably time for a shower!\u201d\u00a0 This option could also include hiring one of those planes that fly over the stadium before the game pulling a banner.<\/p>\n

Option 2.\u00a0 I watch my share of law enforcement dramas on television.\u00a0 So I have seen my fair share of fake autopsies.\u00a0 The pathologists and cops are always smearing some sort of gel beneath their noses to dull the odor of the corpse.\u00a0 (Sometimes the tv detectives smear this stuff on before they enter a home where some poor sap of a beat cop has discovered a decomposed body; so you know it\u2019s got to be good.)\u00a0 If that stuff is real, I could get some of it.\u00a0 Of course, it would take away from the \u201ccrisp fall day\u201d experience, but the air isn\u2019t too crisp as it stands now.\u00a0 Right now, it\u2019s the \u201cripe fall air.\u201d<\/p>\n

Option 3.\u00a0 I could confront him.\u00a0 Tactfully.\u00a0 Now keep in mind, I don\u2019t know this fellow.\u00a0 He is a complete stranger.\u00a0 And this would take something of which I am in desperately short supply.\u00a0 Courage.\u00a0 This is the Achilles heel of Option 3.\u00a0 I floated the idea by my wife that she might engineer this little social intervention.\u00a0 She explained her position on my request as follows, and I quote, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, Dear Abby, I implore you.\u00a0 Help!\u00a0 If you are kind enough to respond to my plea for advice, I can use Option 4:\u00a0 Taping your column to his seat prior to the next game.\u00a0 So, please, in your answer, refer to us as \u201cSitting behind<\/i> him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Signed,<\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/p>\n

\u201cVictims of the stinker in front<\/i> of us!\u201d<\/p>\n

_______<\/p>\n

WAIT! \u00a0You\u2019re not done yet.\u00a0 Earn good karma!\u00a0 Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Abby, I am at my whit\u2019s end.\u00a0 I requested a change in the location of my college football season tickets, and couldn\u2019t be happier with the new view; however, my wife and I quickly realized why these seats became available.\u00a0 The guy to our left smells like a dead possum.\u00a0 The stink fumes rising […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[93,90,91,31,532,94,92,95,97],"class_list":["post-175","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-autzen","tag-dear-abby","tag-football","tag-g-rated","tag-humor","tag-iphone","tag-oregon","tag-personal-hygiene","tag-sports"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/175","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=175"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/175\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1411,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/175\/revisions\/1411"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=175"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=175"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=175"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}