{"id":1671,"date":"2019-08-31T10:16:11","date_gmt":"2019-08-31T17:16:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1671"},"modified":"2019-08-31T10:16:19","modified_gmt":"2019-08-31T17:16:19","slug":"how-to-kill-your-family-and-look-good-doing-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1671","title":{"rendered":"How to Kill Your Family and Look Good Doing It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I recently returned from a family vacation to Hawaii, otherwise known as \u201cthe scene of the crime.\u201d \u00a0Let me state this emphatically: It was not my original<\/em> intent to kill my family.\u00a0 However, and this is a VERY important point, I did not ACTUALLY kill them. \u00a0I just ALMOST killed them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I used the AllTrails app on my iPhone to find a hiking trail near our Airbnb.\u00a0 One looked great.\u00a0 It was called the Hanauma Bay Death Trail.\u00a0 No, that wasn\u2019t it’s official <\/em>name.\u00a0 It\u2019s actual name was the Hanauma Bay Ridge<\/em> Trail, but I think the word \u201cRidge,\u201d in place of the far more accurate \u201cDeath,\u201d was a typographical error. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first sign this hike was a mistake was when I Googled the name of the trail.\u00a0 A news story popped up that said the hike was illegal.\u00a0 Here is the headline \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Here is the\nmeat of the news story \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

An illegal Hawaiian hike?\u00a0 Dare I risk it?\u00a0 OF COURSE! Me at the water cooler after my vacation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Boring co-worker, \u201cWhat did you do on\nyour vacation?\u201d  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me, \u201cOh, nothing much.\u00a0 You know.\u00a0 The usual\u2026We just went on an EXTREMELY ILLEGAL tropical hike!\u201d<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second sign this hike wasn\u2019t a good idea was literally a sign<\/em>, or more specifically, TWO signs.\u00a0 A \u201cNo Trespassing\u201d sign posted on each side of a tourist hanging dead from a nearby tree – just kidding about the dead tourist<\/em> \u2013 but NOT about the two signs or the LOCKED GATE blocking the entrance to the trail \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

But, much like\na naive character in a horror movie who follows a mysterious trail of blood\ndown into the basement to find out where all the screaming is coming from, I\nled my family forward.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So under the gate we went.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The AllTrails app is super easy to use.\u00a0 You just keep your blue location dot on the red line marking the trail.\u00a0 Which, in this case, I stupidly did.\u00a0 Here is the overview of the trail \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The trail\nbegan friendly enough \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

A neatly\npaved trail gradually going up the rim of the volcanic crater which created one\nof Hawaii\u2019s most popular tourist destinations, Hanauma Bay Nature Preserve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is the bay\nside from the top \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Once past the summit, the red line continued off<\/em> the paved trail and down an embankment. (This image fails to adequately show how incredibly steep it is.) \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

This might\nhas seemed odd to a hiker less experienced than myself, but not me.  I was committed to following the red line, as\nthey say, \u2026 even if it killed me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I led my family toward certain death, I did so with absolute confidence.\u00a0 Down we marched like lemmings toward a shear drop-off above jagged rocks hundreds of yards below.\u00a0 (In all fairness to AllTrails, the red line did not actually lead off the edge \u2013 there was at least<\/em> a three millimeter \u201csafety buffer.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I apologize\nfor not having any photographs of the \u201cledge of death.\u201d  At the moment, I was occupied hanging on by\nmy butt cheeks to the slippery volcanic soil and screaming for everyone to stay\nback.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In all\nfairness to me, I was actually far more likely to have killed myself than\nanyone else.  By the time we realized\nthat the red line was leading us into oblivion, we had skittered several\nhundred yards down a steep embankment of loose sandy soil.  A steep embankment which we then and to climb\nback up<\/em>.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was by far the worst physically fit.\u00a0 If we were on Survivor, I would\u2019ve been the first voted off the island.\u00a0 In fact, they might have eaten me.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I learned\ntwo things from this Extremely memorable experience:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Never<\/em><\/strong>\ntrust the instructions on a free app.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. At the very least<\/em><\/strong>, someone should have posted no trespassing signs and locked the gate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WAIT!\n You\u2019re not done yet.  Earn good karma!  Please comment and\nshare on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Subscribe!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s free and easy,\nand each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a Three\nMinute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s\nSong: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for\nthe College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You\nNeed to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I recently returned from a family vacation to Hawaii, otherwise known as \u201cthe scene of the crime.\u201d \u00a0Let me state this emphatically: It was not my original intent to kill my family.\u00a0 However, and this is a VERY important point, I did not ACTUALLY kill them. \u00a0I just ALMOST killed them. I used the AllTrails […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[805,803,804],"class_list":["post-1671","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-hanauma-bay-ridge-trial","tag-hawaii-hike","tag-oahu-hike"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1671","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1671"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1671\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1686,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1671\/revisions\/1686"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1671"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1671"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1671"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}