{"id":166,"date":"2013-10-10T08:23:29","date_gmt":"2013-10-10T15:23:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=166"},"modified":"2018-07-25T19:26:58","modified_gmt":"2018-07-26T02:26:58","slug":"vegan-vampires-beverly-hills","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=166","title":{"rendered":"The Vegan Vampires of Beverly Hills"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Vegan<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

I have an idea for a television series.\u00a0 It will be next season\u2019s biggest hit, and probably the biggest hit of the next decade.\u00a0 It\u2019s called The Vegan Vampires of Beverly Hills<\/i>.\u00a0 Let\u2019s face it, everybody wants three things.\u00a0 First, deep down, everybody wants to be a vegan.\u00a0 Being a vegan is cool.\u00a0 It\u2019s post-millennium.\u00a0 Even I was a vegan for two months.\u00a0 Actually, I referred to myself as a \u2018casual vegan,\u2019 because occasionally a trace element of an animal-based product might slip into one of my meals.\u00a0 For example, I might be enjoying a vegan meal composed of, say, a baked potato and side of broccoli, and a low and behold, perhaps unconsciously from habit, a 24 ounce porterhouse might slip onto my plate.\u00a0 Second, everybody wants to be a vampire.\u00a0 That\u2019s because vampires are extremely attractive and exciting to be around \u2013 you\u2019ve seen the recent movies.\u00a0 Or if you\u2019re old like me and don\u2019t go to the movies, you\u2019ve certainly seen the movie trailers depicting all the attractive and super hip young vampires.\u00a0 I\u2019m not telling you anything new.\u00a0 So don\u2019t\u2019 argue with me about wanting to be a vampire; it only means that you really do want to be a vampire.\u00a0 And finally, everybody wants to live in Beverly Hills.<\/p>\n

My show is about a brood of young upwardly mobile and trendy vampires who are too cool to eat animal-based products.\u00a0 You might think that \u2018vegan vampires\u2019 is a contradiction in terms.\u00a0 You would be wrong.\u00a0 You see, my vampires convince a naive USC Biology student to help them grow blood cells in petri dishes.\u00a0 That\u2019s what they eat.\u00a0 Of course it\u2019s blended into soy lattes and vegan scones and other very tasty and trendy consumables.\u00a0 Now, before you start with, \u2018yeah, blood in petri dishes is technically<\/i> derived from animals,\u2019 just stop it.\u00a0 No one cares.\u00a0 This is television.\u00a0 Gilligan and his friends got stranded on a non-existent island for ten years after going on a three hour tour.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t quite figured out how they\u2019ll spend their time.\u00a0 They\u2019ll either sit around talking ad nauseam about their relationships, or fight crime in the hills of Beverly.\u00a0 Not sure which.\u00a0 Although I hear the crime rate in Beverly Hills is pretty low.\u00a0 Or maybe<\/i> they could be like Robin Hood Vegan Vampires who shoplift disturbingly overpriced clothing and accessories from those snobby boutiques on Rodeo Drive and donate them to the poor.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 It could be the Robin Hood Vegan Vampires of Beverly Hills, bringing couture to the homeless.<\/p>\n

Now, you\u2019re my witnesses.\u00a0 I expect you, my millions of loyal readers to attest that this was my idea.\u00a0 Because that\u2019s how Hollywood people work.\u00a0 They steal ideas.\u00a0 (No, I didn\u2019t steal this idea after reading Stephanie Meyer\u2019s Twilight<\/i>.)\u00a0 But I\u2019m quite confident, with any luck, that a producer will steal my idea.\u00a0 That\u2019s where you come in.\u00a0 I\u2019m counting on you.\u00a0 You see, I\u2019m putting Greta Van Susteren on retainer.\u00a0 She keeps saying she\u2019s a lawyer, so I\u2019m holding her to it.\u00a0 But the real reason I\u2019m retaining her is that she is a Scientologist.\u00a0 (Yeah!\u00a0 I know!\u00a0 She looks so normal.)\u00a0 A Scientologist lawyer is just what I need.\u00a0 You simply don\u2019t mess with Scientologists.\u00a0 (Not unless you want Tom Cruise stopping by your bedroom at 3:00 in the morning armed with a sap.)\u00a0 So I figure Greta can put these copyright violators in a headlock and twist some serious Hollywood money out of them.\u00a0 That way I don\u2019t have to actually write this inane script.<\/p>\n

So, if Greta calls you, don\u2019t be alarmed.\u00a0 It\u2019s probably not because she\u2019s going to recruit you into her crazy church. \u00a0(Don\u2019t flatter yourself.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have that kind of money.)\u00a0 It\u2019s because I put your name down on my witness list.\u00a0 Now, knock those dollar signs out of your eyes.\u00a0 You\u2019re only getting the statutory witness fee and mileage.\u00a0 But don\u2019t worry, I\u2019ll donate a portion of my profit to help bring couture to the homeless of Beverly Hills. <\/b><\/p>\n

_______<\/p>\n

WAIT! \u00a0You\u2019re not done yet.\u00a0 Earn good karma!\u00a0 Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

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It\u2019s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have an idea for a television series.\u00a0 It will be next season\u2019s biggest hit, and probably the biggest hit of the next decade.\u00a0 It\u2019s called The Vegan Vampires of Beverly Hills.\u00a0 Let\u2019s face it, everybody wants three things.\u00a0 First, deep down, everybody wants to be a vegan.\u00a0 Being a vegan is cool.\u00a0 It\u2019s post-millennium.\u00a0 […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[69,71,70,75,74,67,72,68,66],"class_list":["post-166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-beverly-hills","tag-greta-van-susteren","tag-rodeo-drive","tag-scientogists","tag-scientology","tag-stephanie-meyer","tag-tom-cruise","tag-twilight","tag-vampire"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=166"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1409,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166\/revisions\/1409"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=166"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=166"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=166"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}