{"id":1637,"date":"2019-08-17T08:33:50","date_gmt":"2019-08-17T15:33:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1637"},"modified":"2019-08-17T08:33:58","modified_gmt":"2019-08-17T15:33:58","slug":"why-you-should-cool-your-bananas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1637","title":{"rendered":"Why You Should Cool Your Bananas"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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An existential threat looms in our near future.  The media relentlessly reminds us of it, and whether you wake up worrying about it each day, or turn a blind eye, we have an out-of-control freight train headed directly our way.  You know what I\u2019m talking about, but I\u2019ll say it \u2013 We have a Banana Crisis.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scientists\ntell us that bananas are being ravaged by an uncontrollable disease called\nBlack Sigatoka.  I know it sounds like a\nJamaican reggae band, but it\u2019s the real name of this banana disease \u2013 I\nswear.  (Google it if you don\u2019t believe me.)  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can we even imagine\nliving in a banana-less world?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The good\nnews is that banana scientists are adamant that we will ALWAYS have bananas \u2013\njust not the normal kind.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Four hundred million Earthly people eat 30 BILLION dollars of bananas every year.\u00a0 Now \u2013 THAT\u2019S A LOT OF BANANAS!\u00a0 But here\u2019s the thing.\u00a0 Most people eat normal bananas.\u00a0 Here are normal<\/em> bananas \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Normal bananas are long, yellow, and extremely delicious.\u00a0 We grew up eating normal bananas. In fact, normal bananas even costarred in one of our favorite childhood books \u2013 Curious George.\u00a0 There is only one bad thing about these bananas. \u00a0They turn brown faster than Joey Chestnut can swallow a hotdog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BUT banana\nscientists tell us that there are many other varieties of bananas.  Here is an example \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Many of these unpopular bananas are called \u201cplantains.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cPlantain,\u201d is the Latin word for \u201cWeird.\u201d\u00a0 Plantains are strange green bananas.\u00a0 The main difference in the taste between plantains and normal bananas is that they cost their weight in gold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, our favorite banana is the Chiquita banana.\u00a0 Chiquita is Brazilian for \u201cnormal.\u201d\u00a0 We grew up eating normal bananas, and that\u2019s the way God fearing pro-banana Americans want to keep it.Side note:\u00a0 I started searching for a vintage Chiquita banana advertisement and came across another vintage ad that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with bananas.\u00a0 However, as your primary source of scientific information, I felt a duty to immediately bring it to your Medical attention.\u00a0 Here it is –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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So if you learn anything from this story about the banana crisis, learn that if you or anyone you care about gets pregnant, start smoking Nico Time brand cigarettes immediately<\/em>.\u00a0 Your baby\u2019s life depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now back to our regularly scheduled banana crisis \u2013 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I said.\u00a0 I simply cannot imagine living in a banana-less world.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m \u201cthinking globally, and acting locally.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m planting a Chiquita Banana tree in my front yard.\u00a0 If we\u2019re lucky, and Global Warming keeps up its rapid pace, I\u2019ll be up to my armpits in fresh bananas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s\nSong: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for\nthe College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You\nNeed to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An existential threat looms in our near future.  The media relentlessly reminds us of it, and whether you wake up worrying about it each day, or turn a blind eye, we have an out-of-control freight train headed directly our way.  You know what I\u2019m talking about, but I\u2019ll say it \u2013 We have a Banana […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[795,796,440,51,797,50],"class_list":["post-1637","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-banana","tag-banana-humor","tag-bananas","tag-climate-change","tag-climate-change-humor","tag-global-warming"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1637","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1637"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1637\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1649,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1637\/revisions\/1649"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1637"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1637"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1637"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}