{"id":1586,"date":"2019-05-05T15:47:21","date_gmt":"2019-05-05T22:47:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1586"},"modified":"2020-05-07T15:56:11","modified_gmt":"2020-05-07T22:56:11","slug":"sign-the-petition-new-rules-for-the-kentucky-derby","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1586","title":{"rendered":"As a Horse Racing Expert for 90 Minutes a Year, I Demand New Rules for the Kentucky Derby"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I was typing away furiously yesterday on a topic I felt would be near and dear to my readers \u2013 the San Francisco Poop Map, when a subject even more important (if you can believe that) came bursting into my living room.\u00a0 It was Maximum Security – the only undefeated horse in the Kentucky Derby.\u00a0 Maximum Security left the entire field eating the mud he was kicking up behind him.\u00a0 However, he got disqualified because some whiny horse owner got his (or her) panties in a bunch because the horses mixed it up (daintily) in the final turn.\u00a0 Maximum Security comes blasting across the finish line (to no one\u2019s surprise) and my wife and I (we are horse racing experts for 90 minutes every year) figure that\u2019s the end of it.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 \u201cOBJECTION\u201d is flashed on the screen.\u00a0 What?<\/em> Then we find out that there\u2019s some kind of Marquis of Queensbury Rules that apply to horse racing.\u00a0 We were stunned!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife turns to me, and says (this is a direct quote), \u201cI\nthought they left it up to the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo did I,\u201d I replied. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then we had to sit there and watch some carpet-bagging 65-1 horse with the worst name in horse racing history, Country House<\/em>, who wasn\u2019t even involved in the infraction (I think he was off getting his nails done) be named the winner.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was sickening.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I\u2019m calling on all the Trump Resisters and the MAGA supporters to stop arguing over how orange Donald Trump is for a moment and come together in unity to help insure that this injustice will NEVER repeat itself.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please sign my Petition to immediately implement the\nfollowing new Kentucky Derby policies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Anyone caught whining about the race results is banned\nfrom entering a horse for ten years.  No\nexceptions.  And, the violator must show\nup every one of those years to muck out the stalls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Once the starting gates swing open, it\u2019s every horse for\nhimself.  Here\u2019s the only rule \u2013 first\nhorse\u2019s nose across the line wins \u2013 even if he\u2019s just trampled across three\nother horses to do it.  (We\u2019re crowning a\nchampion here, People!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Jockeys are encouraged to use the techniques made so famous in the old Ben Hur movies \u2013 feel free to whip the other guy\u2019s horse \u2013 heck, whip the other guy!  Let\u2019s see some action.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thank you for taking time out of your day (and your critical work either “resisting” on Twitter or “MAGA-ing” on Twitter) to sign my petition.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I can get back to the important work of finishing my\ncolumn on the San Francisco Poop Map.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WAIT!\n You\u2019re not done yet.  Earn good karma!  Please comment and\nshare on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Subscribe!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s free and easy,\nand each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a Three\nMinute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s\nSong: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for\nthe College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You\nNeed to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was typing away furiously yesterday on a topic I felt would be near and dear to my readers \u2013 the San Francisco Poop Map, when a subject even more important (if you can believe that) came bursting into my living room.\u00a0 It was Maximum Security – the only undefeated horse in the Kentucky Derby.\u00a0 […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1587,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[781,780,779,778],"class_list":["post-1586","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-horse-humor","tag-horse-racing-humor","tag-kentucky-derby","tag-kentucky-derby-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/6B13BA76-4A7A-4FFB-9A95-A2907BD0DACA.jpeg?fit=1713%2C895&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1586","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1586"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1586\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1936,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1586\/revisions\/1936"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1587"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1586"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1586"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1586"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}