{"id":1501,"date":"2018-09-21T17:59:05","date_gmt":"2018-09-22T00:59:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1501"},"modified":"2018-09-21T21:27:34","modified_gmt":"2018-09-22T04:27:34","slug":"want-kill-friend-order-pretzels","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1501","title":{"rendered":"If You Want to Kill Your Friend, Order the Pretzels"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>My wife and I went to dinner with two other couples last Friday night.\u00a0 It was a very pleasant evening with one minor exception.\u00a0 One of the couples, John and Julie, who are the nicest people in the world, tried to kill me.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love these people, but one more assassination attempt, and it might negatively affect our relationship.<\/p>\n

I should have seen it coming.\u00a0 Shortly after we sat down, Julie ordered a Bloody Mary.\u00a0 A Bloody<\/em> Mary.\u00a0 But was I paying attention?\u00a0 Did this place me on alert?\u00a0 In my defense, I was distracted by how tasty the drink looked.<\/p>\n

What method did this lovely couple use to try to kill me?\u00a0 Poison?\u00a0 Too pedestrian.\u00a0 Stiletto?\u00a0 Pass\u00e9.\u00a0 Their plan was far more clever, and if I may say, devious.\u00a0 They chose Death by Pretzel.\u00a0 Specifically, Bavarian<\/em> pretzel.<\/p>\n

The plan ingeniously took advantage of the fact that I am an Oregon State University alumni.\u00a0 In other words, I am a Beaver \u2013 a proud member of Beaver Nation.\u00a0 Here is a description of the deadly appetizer from the menu \u2013<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Beaver mustard?\u00a0 Certainly they knew I could not resist.\u00a0 I picked up a piece of pretzel and dipped it in the beaver mustard.\u00a0 Then I enthusiastically bit down. \u00a0I immediately noticed its texture.\u00a0 It was as soft and chewy as a lug wrench.\u00a0 And<\/em>, it broke off part of my tooth.\u00a0 (Talk about a \u201ckiller appetizer.\u201d)<\/p>\n

Luckily for me, at my dentist\u2019s office, comfort is \u201cJob One.\u201d\u00a0 No expense is spared.\u00a0 Here is the view from the dental chair showing the soft, body-sculpted, yet ergo dynamic visitor\u2019s chair \u2013<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>I hadn\u2019t been to my dentist in some time, and shortly after the assistant had me take a seat in the dental chair, a very serious face swung around to greet me.\u00a0 At first, I thought it was my dentist, Dr. Larson.\u00a0 (He has<\/em> been getting up in age).\u00a0 But then I realized he couldn\u2019t have changed THAT much.\u00a0 Here\u2019s the face \u2013<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>It turned out to be Tucker, a certified \u201cDental Emotional Support Dog.\u201d\u00a0 Okay, he might not be officially <\/em>certified \u2013 maybe online or something.<\/p>\n

Dr. Larson arrived, and I was amazed at his skill.\u00a0 Not every dentist can treat a patient while a 150 pound dog is trying to climb on the patient\u2019s lap.\u00a0 (Tucker takes his job very seriously.)<\/p>\n

As a result of this \u201cnear miss\u201d on my life, and after deep contemplation, I have reluctantly decided to placed John and Julie on \u201cdouble secret probation.\u201d\u00a0 Absolute <\/em>zero tolerance.\u00a0 I\u2019m putting my foot down.\u00a0 One more attempt to take my life, and they will pay the ultimate price.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to make them come with me to Dr. Larson\u2019s office and sit in that visitor\u2019s chair.<\/p>\n

_______<\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My wife and I went to dinner with two other couples last Friday night.\u00a0 It was a very pleasant evening with one minor exception.\u00a0 One of the couples, John and Julie, who are the nicest people in the world, tried to kill me.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love these people, but one more assassination […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[750,747,748,749,746],"class_list":["post-1501","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-bavarian-pretzels","tag-dentist","tag-pretzel","tag-pretzel-humor","tag-pretzels"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1501","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1501"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1501\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1514,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1501\/revisions\/1514"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1501"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1501"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1501"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}