{"id":1492,"date":"2018-09-16T14:52:02","date_gmt":"2018-09-16T21:52:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1492"},"modified":"2018-09-16T14:52:02","modified_gmt":"2018-09-16T21:52:02","slug":"cash-401k-buy-french-bulldogs-despite-farting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1492","title":{"rendered":"Why You Should Cash Out Your 401K and Buy French Bulldogs (Despite All the Farting)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

My investment advisor recently told me that the stock market is ripe for a \u201ccorrection.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cCorrection\u201d is code for, \u201cHold onto your shorts, your 401K is about to enter a death spiral steeper than an Acapulco cliff diver.\u201d\u00a0 Luckily, I have stumbled onto a new investment strategy \u2013 french bulldogs.<\/p>\n

As my loyal readers know, I occasionally dog sit for my daughter\u2019s dog, Milo.\u00a0 I consider myself a minority shareholder in a kind of \u201cdoggy timeshare.\u201d\u00a0 But my percentage is pretty skimpy, so I started looking for my own dog.<\/p>\n

About one second into researching french bulldogs, I discovered their most prominent feature \u2013\u00a0 They cost their weight in gold-plated, diamond studded platinum.\u00a0 The puppy above is a bargain at $3,600.\u00a0 That\u2019s not a typo.\u00a0 It\u2019s Three Thousand, Six-Hundred Dollars!\u00a0 And that\u2019s just because it probably has buck teeth, or maybe it\u2019s missing a standard body part.\u00a0 Here\u2019s one a little farther up the price chain \u2013\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

To put this in perspective, Milo cost $1.95.\u00a0 (Or maybe the pound just gave him away.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure.)\u00a0 How did this happen?\u00a0 A cute dog like Milo is practically free, and a french bulldog, not exactly known for their ravenous beauty, cost the same as a modestly used Hyundai Sonata?<\/p>\n

Because I\u2019m a cheapskate, I didn\u2019t want to shell out thousands on an ugly dog.\u00a0 So I decided to google, \u201cReasons not to own a french bulldog.\u201d<\/p>\n

This article popped up \u2013 \u201c10 Reasons to NOT Adopting or Buying a French Bulldog,\u201d by Ignacio Santiago.\u00a0 Reason #1 was, \u201cPossibly, it is the most flatulent dog of the world.\u201d\u00a0 Here is his full commentary on reason #1:<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u00b4t make a mistake, we are not talking about one or two farts per
\nweek. We are talking about a constant cloud of bad smell around the
\nfrench bulldog. Not only that, also they burp after eating. Besides,
\ndon\u00b4t think they will cut you off when someone is visiting. Whoever it
\nis, they will eat a frenchie fart 100% sure.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

French bulldogs are the Gatling gun of canine farters.\u00a0 But, when considering any investment, the first rule is Do The Math<\/em>.\u00a0 Here it is \u2013<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say you buy one of the cheaper, possibly defective, french bulldog\u2019s for $3,600.<\/p>\n

French bulldogs live an average of 11 years.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s about 4, 015 days.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s only about 90 cents a day.<\/p>\n

At an average of 10 FPDs (Farts per day), that\u2019s only 9 cents a fart.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s not bad.<\/p>\n

This is why (all you kids out there, listen up) math is so important.\u00a0 Because now we know that mathematically speaking<\/em> french bulldogs are currently<\/em> a bargain.\u00a0 But the clock is ticking.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to cash out my 401K and corner the market.\u00a0 All you suckers can go ahead and stand firm with the stock market.\u00a0 But with carefully planning, and the right strategy, as the average FPD increases to 12 cents, or (do I dare to dream?) 15 cents, I\u2019ll be sitting pretty.\u00a0 Smelly, yes.\u00a0 But pretty.<\/p>\n

____<\/p>\n

WAIT! \u00a0You\u2019re not done yet.\u00a0 Earn good karma!\u00a0 Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

And Subscribe!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s free and easy, and each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My investment advisor recently told me that the stock market is ripe for a \u201ccorrection.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cCorrection\u201d is code for, \u201cHold onto your shorts, your 401K is about to enter a death spiral steeper than an Acapulco cliff diver.\u201d\u00a0 Luckily, I have stumbled onto a new investment strategy \u2013 french bulldogs. As my loyal readers know, […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[745,744],"class_list":["post-1492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-french-bulldog-humor","tag-french-bulldogs"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1492","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1492"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1492\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1500,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1492\/revisions\/1500"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}