{"id":1463,"date":"2018-09-07T07:14:20","date_gmt":"2018-09-07T14:14:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1463"},"modified":"2018-09-07T07:14:20","modified_gmt":"2018-09-07T14:14:20","slug":"men-bladders-size-walnut-banned-opera","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1463","title":{"rendered":"Men with Bladders the Size of a Walnut Should Be Banned From the Opera"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>My wife and I recently attended a performance of The Barber of Seville at the Kennedy Center.\u00a0 This turned out to be quite a challenge for me because I have a bladder the size of a walnut.\u00a0 My wife had obtained our tickets at a charity auction, and neither of us had been to the Kennedy Center, or ever attended an opera for that matter.<\/p>\n

We arrived early, and my wife kept saying she wanted to visit something called the Russian Lounge.\u00a0 I pictured a windowless, smoke-filled room where oligarchs sat around discussing who among their adversaries \u201cneeded to go\u201d (as in, permanently<\/em>).\u00a0 As it turned out, I was precisely correct.\u00a0 No, no.\u00a0 Just kidding.\u00a0 The Russian Lounge in the Kennedy Center\u2019s opera house is where patrons hang out before performances and during intermission (or, as I refer to it, \u201chalftime\u201d).\u00a0 Here it is \u2013<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>This picture is clipped pretty hard because the last things these generous rich folks need is a cameo in my smart-alack (yet highly informative) column. \u00a0Trust me, they were all dressed to the nines, carried themselves with polished demeanor, and had an average age of 107.\u00a0 Just kidding, again!\u00a0 The average age couldn\u2019t have been a day over 91.<\/p>\n

The Russian Lounge is where I made my big mistake.\u00a0 I ordered a bourbon.\u00a0 Bourbon, as my wife will tell you with a pained look on her face, is my Kryptonite. \u00a0I digest bourbon as well as dogs digest chocolate.\u00a0 It never ends well.<\/p>\n

After sliding the last drop of that mistake down my throat, we headed to our seats.\u00a0 We were thrilled \u2013 forth row, center.\u00a0 I looked back and surveyed the massive audience of 2,700.\u00a0 Here are the balconies.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>I would have included the main floor, but too many people were staring at me when I lifted my camera.\u00a0 They all look richer and far more sophisticated than me, so I didn\u2019t have the nerve to include them in the photo.<\/p>\n

The first half of The Barber of Seville is about 90 minutes.\u00a0 At 35 minutes, my bladder started to percolate.\u00a0 At 40 minutes, things were tightening up, and it was dawning on me that I wasn\u2019t going to make it to intermission.\u00a0 I turned to my wife and told her I had to go.\u00a0 She shook her head firmly and said, \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 She was absolutely correct.\u00a0 It wasn’t an event where people wandered in and out.\u00a0 In fact, no one had.<\/p>\n

At 45 minutes, I was waiting for a break in the action to make my move.\u00a0 But Opera singers are like those whales that can take a breath and remain submerged for hours.\u00a0 Just as their voices would begin to fade, and I would grip my armrests preparing to make my move, their voices would shoot back up and launch into another verse.<\/p>\n

Finally, a song ended, and people began clapping.\u00a0 It was my big chance.\u00a0 I turned to my wife and said, \u201cI\u2019ve got to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

A look of horror shot across her face, and she silently mouthed, \u201cDon\u2019t go!\u201d<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t have the luxury of time to plead my case.\u00a0 I simply gazed deep into her despondent eyes and said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d Then I turned and dashed up the aisle.<\/p>\n

In retrospect, I blame the Kennedy Center for allowing me to attend in the first place.\u00a0 This is the premier center for the arts in entire United States.\u00a0 Don\u2019t they have standards?\u00a0 Even the most rudimentary background check is going to disclose that I am from Alsea.\u00a0 A team of armed security guards should have been waiting for me at the entry to initiate a full pat-down, water-boarding, and, of course, bladder check.<\/p>\n

The next time I go to the opera, I\u2019m going to take the same precautions I do when I\u00a0 fly in a single engine plane \u2013 It\u2019s liquid deprivation for a minimum of six hours preflight (or in this case \u2013 \u201cpre-opera\u201d).<\/p>\n

_______<\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My wife and I recently attended a performance of The Barber of Seville at the Kennedy Center.\u00a0 This turned out to be quite a challenge for me because I have a bladder the size of a walnut.\u00a0 My wife had obtained our tickets at a charity auction, and neither of us had been to the […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[736,742,737,743],"class_list":["post-1463","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-kennedy-center-opera","tag-kennedy-center-opera-house","tag-opera-humor","tag-russian-lounge"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1463","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1463"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1463\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1490,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1463\/revisions\/1490"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1463"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1463"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1463"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}