{"id":1446,"date":"2018-08-18T08:52:22","date_gmt":"2018-08-18T15:52:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1446"},"modified":"2020-05-07T16:10:48","modified_gmt":"2020-05-07T23:10:48","slug":"secret-keeping-familys-mitts-off-stuff","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1446","title":{"rendered":"The Secret to Keeping Your Family’s Mitts Off Your Stuff"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>My beautiful daughter bought me a Hydro Flask for my birthday.\u00a0 I was touched by her thoughtfulness \u2013 for nearly 24 hours.\u00a0 Then I realized that she had taken the saying, \u201cWhen you buy a gift, buy something you\u2019d like to have yourself,\u201d a little too far.\u00a0 It dawned on me that she had IN FACT bought herself a gift because every time I go looking for it, she has it.\u00a0 (Okay, okay, I can hear her saying, \u201cNot every time!\u201d And yes, I am exaggerating.\u00a0 It is only 97% of the time.)<\/p>\n

At long last I have found a solution.\u00a0 I\u2019ve named it, the \u201cNot over my dead body\u201d solution, or NOMDB for short.<\/p>\n

NOMDB is simple to use.\u00a0 Here is an example:<\/p>\n

I live in a Eugene, Oregon, or more officially, \u201cThe People\u2019s Republic of Eugene.\u201d\u00a0 To put it mildly, Hillary got 105% of the vote here.\u00a0 Any time there is a march or rally in Eugene, twice as many people show up than actually live in the city.\u00a0 You know those pink hats that folks started wearing after the last presidential election?\u00a0 The ones they refer to by that name that starts with a \u201cP\u201d and is a slang term for a popular part of the female anatomy?\u00a0 A Eugene City Ordinance requires every household to own at least two.\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying they\u2019d jail you if they discovered you only had one P**** Hat, but it would at least be a hefty fine.<\/p>\n

But I digress.\u00a0 The NOMDB method involves gauging the political climate in your area and then putting a sticker on the item you don\u2019t want borrowed.\u00a0 For example, it will be a cold day in H-E-double-toothpicks before my daughter borrows a Hydro Flask with an NRA sticker on it.\u00a0 Or a Trump sticker.\u00a0 Here is the rule when choosing your sticker: Would your loved one respond, \u201cNot over my dead body\u201d?\u00a0 Bingo!<\/p>\n

You\u2019d like to try NOMDB but don\u2019t have a sticker handy?\u00a0 Order it on Amazon.\u00a0 Here\u2019s one for sale right now\u2013\"\"<\/a>You live in Dallas?\u00a0 No problem.\u00a0 Just put one of these in your Amazon \u201ccart\u201d\u2013<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>If you ladies in Texas really want to keep your man\u2019s mitts off your Hydro Flask, one of these stickers is going to do the trick.\u00a0 Believe me, he\u2019s not going to want to announce to his buddies at the shooting range that\u2013\"\"<\/a>I\u2019m not saying the use of this technique is without risk.\u00a0 Walking through downtown Eugene with an NRA or MAGA sticker could be extremely dangerous to you bodily health.\u00a0 Someone with a COEXIST bumper sticker might become enraged and decide to shove it up your uncomfortable place.\u00a0 But the world belongs to the bold.\u00a0 \u201cSpeak your truth.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, my daughter\u2019s birthday is coming up.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking of getting her something she\u2019d really like.\u00a0 Something soft and frilly.\u00a0 Something a teenage girl has always dreamed of having.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking of a cordless nail gun.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>________________<\/p>\n

WAIT! \u00a0You\u2019re not done yet.\u00a0 Earn good karma!\u00a0 Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

And Subscribe!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s free and easy, and each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My beautiful daughter bought me a Hydro Flask for my birthday.\u00a0 I was touched by her thoughtfulness \u2013 for nearly 24 hours.\u00a0 Then I realized that she had taken the saying, \u201cWhen you buy a gift, buy something you\u2019d like to have yourself,\u201d a little too far.\u00a0 It dawned on me that she had IN […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[532,733,734,636],"class_list":["post-1446","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-humor","tag-hydro-flask","tag-not-over-my-dead-body","tag-parenting-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1446","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1446"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1446\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1535,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1446\/revisions\/1535"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1446"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1446"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1446"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}