{"id":1433,"date":"2018-08-04T12:31:01","date_gmt":"2018-08-04T19:31:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1433"},"modified":"2018-08-04T12:31:01","modified_gmt":"2018-08-04T19:31:01","slug":"six-bipartisan-tips-winning-presidential-election","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1433","title":{"rendered":"Six Bipartisan Tips for Winning a Presidential Election"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The 2020 presidential election is going to make 2016 look like a 1950\u2019s sock hop.\u00a0 The debate committee is already searching for a venue to hold a mud wrestling match.\u00a0 Michael Buffer, of \u201cLet\u2019s get ready to rumble!\u201d fame, has agreed to announce it.\u00a0 Crazy Jesse Ventura will referee.<\/p>\n

Of course, this is only after the primaries.\u00a0 It will be the Democrats\u2019 turn to field a modest group of 40 or 50 hopefuls.\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to be a tidal wave of egos.\u00a0 A tsunami of self-entitlement.\u00a0 One lady in Ohio says her cat is running.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a swing state,\u201d she (the lady, not the cat) recently told a reporter.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019ll give Beatrice a sizeable advantage.\u00a0 Plus, she\u2019s got one of those flat faces.\u00a0 People love that.\u00a0 That\u2019ll make her memorable.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the end, it will come down to two people, both clinically insane enough to run for president, \u201csquaring off\u201d toe to toe.\u00a0 The least I can do is provide a few bipartisan pointers \u2013<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Empathy is critical. Show voters that you honor the military.\u00a0 Those who have fought, endured great hardship and even died.\u00a0 However, and this is important, draw a hard line on one point.\u00a0 Use this phrase, \u201cI like people who weren\u2019t captured.\u201d<\/li>\n
  2. \u201cSpeak your truth.\u201d Voters like politicians who are honest and don\u2019t hold back their real opinions.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be afraid to describe a large portion of the electorate in memorable terms.\u00a0 Use a term that will resonate with voters throughout the campaign.\u00a0 Consider using this term \u2013 \u201cdeplorable.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019ll warm their hearts.<\/em><\/li>\n
  3. Use your nationally televised debate time carefully. You won\u2019t have time to explain each of your policies.\u00a0 So, begin with the issue that the public is most concerned about \u2013 the size of your [insert word for famous male body part].\u00a0 Hold your hands out like you\u2019re describing the last fish you caught.<\/li>\n
  4. Pay strict attention to your demeanor. Voters want to feel a connection, a sincerity, a warmth.\u00a0 One technique to achieve this is to scream your speeches.\u00a0 And this is extremely important, NEVER smile.\u00a0 Put on your angry face.\u00a0 (Think: \u201ccrabby.\u201d)<\/li>\n
  5. Pepper your campaign speeches with references to family values. Voters eat that stuff up.\u00a0 And this is critical \u2013 adamantly<\/em> deny that you sleep with that porn star that you slept with.<\/li>\n
  6. Demonstrate you have the strength, energy and stamina to take on the demanding job of president. Do this, for example, by collapsing in front of the media as you\u2019re walking to your vehicle.\u00a0 Don\u2019t hold back \u2013 go for it.\u00a0 Drop like a sack of potatoes.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Bonus advice \u2013 Listen to the media.\u00a0 The networks will use their resources to provide you day by day polling to let you know where you stand with the voters.\u00a0 And if they tell you that you\u2019re way ahead, that there\u2019s no way your opponent can overtake you, relax.\u00a0 Take a few days off the campaign trail.\u00a0 Remember, these are trained, objective professionals.\u00a0 They are the backbone of our democracy.\u00a0 You can rely on their reporting.<\/p>\n

    Meanwhile, I have a problem.\u00a0 I\u2019m a cheapskate, and I don\u2019t like to pay those exorbitant sports arena snack prices.\u00a0 I\u2019m still deciding how I\u2019m going to sneak my Walmart snacks into the mud wrestling match.<\/p>\n

    _______<\/p>\n

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    It\u2019s a “Three Minute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

    Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

    Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

    The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

    https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

    Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

    https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

    Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

    https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The 2020 presidential election is going to make 2016 look like a 1950\u2019s sock hop.\u00a0 The debate committee is already searching for a venue to hold a mud wrestling match.\u00a0 Michael Buffer, of \u201cLet\u2019s get ready to rumble!\u201d fame, has agreed to announce it.\u00a0 Crazy Jesse Ventura will referee. Of course, this is only after […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[730,731,732],"class_list":["post-1433","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-bipartisan-tips","tag-election-advice","tag-political-advice"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1433","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1433"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1433\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1438,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1433\/revisions\/1438"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1433"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1433"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1433"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}