{"id":1423,"date":"2018-07-28T08:02:59","date_gmt":"2018-07-28T15:02:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1423"},"modified":"2018-07-28T08:02:59","modified_gmt":"2018-07-28T15:02:59","slug":"refuse-pay-10-cents-per-poop","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1423","title":{"rendered":"I Refuse to Pay More Than 10 Cents Per Poop"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

My daughter left on a vacation recently and asked me to spend two weeks picking up poop around my neighborhood.\u00a0 No, she didn\u2019t put it quite that way.\u00a0 She said, \u201cWill you take care of my spoiled dog, Milo?\u201d\u00a0 (I added the word \u2018spoiled\u2019 for accuracy.)\u00a0 Now that Milo\u2019s visit has passed, I ordered a t-shirt that says, \u201cI Spent Two Weeks with Milo the Spoiled Dog, and I Survived!\u201d<\/p>\n

Dogs provide countless intangible benefits.\u00a0 Three that I particularly enjoyed were:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Being routinely woken up at 3 a.m. by a high pierced whining outside my bedroom door.<\/li>\n
  2. Discovering that Milo had transformed one of my favorite sandals into a chew toy. (On the bright side, they only cost $115.)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    And my favorite \u2013<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Going to pick Milo up from the groomer and being told it would be \u201cno charge.\u201d Because he was such a wonderful dog, you ask? No. Because after I left, he kept trying to bite the groomer.\u00a0 So they locked him up until I could collect him.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      His visit allowed me to learn more about my neighborhood.\u00a0 One thing I learned was that someone VERY grumpy lives down the street.\u00a0 This is a sign the neighbor tacked to a tree outside the house \u2013<\/p>\n

      \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

      I was surprised it said \u201cpee\u201d instead of \u201cpoop.\u201d\u00a0 While I am not a certified<\/em> arborist, I do know my way around a hemlock.\u00a0 And I can\u2019t imagine why this person gives a rat\u2019s rear end whether dogs pee on this tree.\u00a0 However, I want to emphasize that although Milo is a whiner, and as we have previously established, a biter, I must defend him on one point.\u00a0 He has never<\/em> peed on this tree. \u00a0Half a million others, but not this one.<\/p>\n

      The day after I discovered this sign, I posted a sign below it that said, \u201cMy dog didn\u2019t pee on your tree, BUT I DID!\u00a0 (And I just ate a plate of asparagus.)\u00a0 You\u2019re welcome.\u00a0 THX<\/u>.\u201d<\/p>\n

      Okay, I didn\u2019t tack that sign beneath the first one.\u00a0 I tacked it above<\/em> the first one.<\/p>\n

      I walked Milo three times a day, and while I don\u2019t want to be too graphic, he pooped one to three times per walk.\u00a0 My daughter had left a couple of rolls of poop bags, but they ran out within a few days.\u00a0 Maybe I was feeding him too much.\u00a0 Milo was certainly operating at full capacity.\u00a0 So after I dropped Milo off at the groomer so he could terrorize the staff, I went to the poop bag section to stock up.\u00a0 Here it is \u2013<\/p>\n

      \"\"<\/a>When I saw it, I thought, \u201cHello, Sally!\u201d\u00a0 I had NO idea!\u00a0 A whole new world of poop bags lay before me as far as the eye could see \u2013\u00a0 Scented, Unscented, 50% thicker, 2X thicker, and for the environmentally conscious, Biodegradable.\u00a0 Spread before me in all the colors of the rainbow.\u00a0 I ultimately chose the ones that had little pictures of poop printed all over them.\u00a0 It just felt right.\u00a0 Here they are \u2013<\/p>\n

      \"\"<\/a>At $12.49 for 120 bags, that\u2019s about ten cents a poop.\u00a0 For a guy from Alsea who never dreamed I would someday be a dog\u2019s personal poop valet, ten cents wasn\u2019t the outer limit –\u00a0 it was the Twilight Zone.<\/p>\n

      All said, I already miss Milo and look forward to his next visit.\u00a0 But mostly, I look forward to the arrival of my new t-shirt.<\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n

      _______<\/p>\n

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      ______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

      Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

      Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

      The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

      https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

      Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

      https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

      Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

      https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      My daughter left on a vacation recently and asked me to spend two weeks picking up poop around my neighborhood.\u00a0 No, she didn\u2019t put it quite that way.\u00a0 She said, \u201cWill you take care of my spoiled dog, Milo?\u201d\u00a0 (I added the word \u2018spoiled\u2019 for accuracy.)\u00a0 Now that Milo\u2019s visit has passed, I ordered a […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[729,728],"class_list":["post-1423","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-dog-poop","tag-dog-poop-bags"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1423","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1423"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1423\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1431,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1423\/revisions\/1431"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1423"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1423"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1423"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}