{"id":1296,"date":"2018-05-19T04:07:28","date_gmt":"2018-05-19T11:07:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1296"},"modified":"2018-05-19T04:07:28","modified_gmt":"2018-05-19T11:07:28","slug":"dont-mind-im-just-helping-make-america-great","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1296","title":{"rendered":"Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Out Here Helping Make America Great Again"},"content":{"rendered":"

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My wife and I decided to spend a week in Washington D.C. helping to Make America Great Again.\u00a0 So far I\u2019ve only managed to make myself fat again (or, I should say, fatter again).\u00a0 However, between bites, I\u2019m doing my best to help the MAGA effort.\u00a0 I don\u2019t tour the White House until tomorrow morning, so I haven\u2019t had a chance to share my thoughts with The Donald.\u00a0 In the meantime, I\u2019ve been getting the \u201clay of the land.\u201d\u00a0 Here\u2019s what I\u2019ve accomplished so far:<\/p>\n

First, I\u2019ve learned that most of the museums make you hold your backpacks in your hands or wear them in front of you like you\u2019re carrying a baby.\u00a0 Yeah, I know – really obnoxious.\u00a0 Of course, I couldn\u2019t keep my mouth shut, so I asked the security guard why she was making me suffer this indignity.\u00a0 She said that people swing around and accidently strike artifacts with their packs.\u00a0 I started to tell her that while this might be true for stupid people, this should not apply to me.\u00a0 But she didn\u2019t seem \u201cflexible\u201d on the issue.<\/p>\n

The next day I went to a museum that didn\u2019t have this rule, so I was able to wear my backpack like a normal person.\u00a0 Except the first thing I did was turn around and hit something with my pack.\u00a0 The worst part was that I was in the Museum of the Bible!\u00a0 THE BIBLE!\u00a0 I was knocking around precious artifacts in God\u2019s Museum!\u00a0 I immediately thought, who\u2019s in charge of this place?\u00a0 Why aren\u2019t they making people wear their backpacks in front of them?!<\/p>\n

Second, we visited the National Portrait Museum.\u00a0 (Yes, I had to wear my backpack in front of me like an idiot.)\u00a0 The big deal there was the new portrait of former First Lady Michelle Obama.\u00a0 As you may have heard from whatever flavor of news you enjoy, this portrait is quite controversial.\u00a0 Here it is \u2013<\/p>\n

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People were swarming all over it, taking pictures in front of it, and generally having heart attacks over how much they loved it.\u00a0 I considered this visit a success in that I managed not to knock it over.<\/p>\n

Third, we visited the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.\u00a0 This museum isn\u2019t big, it\u2019s Ginormous!\u00a0 It\u2019s like walking into an IKEA store, only much larger, and instead of kitchenware and linens, they have bones and rocks.\u00a0 Before you go in, I recommend saying good bye to your loved ones.\u00a0 You might never find your way out.\u00a0 I ran into a guy who walked in during a junior high field trip in 1973, and he\u2019s still wandering around trying to find his way out.<\/p>\n

Tomorrow we head to the White House to help make American great again, or at least swipe a souvenir when the Secret Service isn\u2019t looking.\u00a0 (It\u2019s not stealing if you\u2019re a tax paying citizen.)<\/p>\n

Carry on, America.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got things under control here in the nation\u2019s capital.\u00a0 At least as long as I wear my backpack in front.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My wife and I decided to spend a week in Washington D.C. helping to Make America Great Again.\u00a0 So far I\u2019ve only managed to make myself fat again (or, I should say, fatter again).\u00a0 However, between bites, I\u2019m doing my best to help the MAGA effort.\u00a0 I don\u2019t tour the White House until tomorrow morning, […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[686,687,689,688,690],"class_list":["post-1296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-maga","tag-make-america-great-again","tag-michelle-obama","tag-museum","tag-the-donald"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1296","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1296"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1296\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1301,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1296\/revisions\/1301"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}