{"id":1240,"date":"2018-04-28T13:17:57","date_gmt":"2018-04-28T20:17:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1240"},"modified":"2018-04-28T13:17:57","modified_gmt":"2018-04-28T20:17:57","slug":"shake-shame-wallet-chain-not","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1240","title":{"rendered":"How to Shake the Shame of a Wallet Chain – or not"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There are seven billion people on Earth, and not one of them has looked with greater disdain at people who wear wallet chains than me.\u00a0 I have silently (okay, sometimes not so silently) condemned them as pathetic Neanderthals – insecure with themselves at best and very likely mentally ill.\u00a0 This is why it was so painful for me to begin wearing one.<\/p>\n

Naturally, this all began in Nebraska.\u00a0 My wife and I and another couple from Oregon flew out to watch Oregon play football against Nebraska.\u00a0 Friends of ours in Omaha were the quintessential hosts and even rented a minivan to haul us around.\u00a0 I sat in the very back seat on the way to the game.\u00a0 After we parked and made our way through approximately (this is a conservative estimate) one million tailgaters to the stadium, I realized my wallet was gone.\u00a0 The van was too far away to check if it slipped out there.\u00a0 Worrying about this, of course, allowed me to really relax and enjoy the game.<\/p>\n

To my great relief, we found my wallet sitting on the back seat of the van.\u00a0 I discovered that the angle of the back seat acted like a squeegee to extract wallets. \u00a0I\u2019m not making this up. \u00a0When we got back to our friends\u2019 house, David, also from Oregon, realized that his wallet had slipped out of his pocket!\u00a0 (Don\u2019t think for a moment this isn\u2019t a maniacal scheme of the Chrysler Corporation.)<\/p>\n

The next week, I went home early to pack for an out-of-town business trip and (and yes, this is beginning a theme) realized my wallet was missing.\u00a0 Long story short, after neurotically turning my house upside down, and running late for my departure, I raced back to my office and found it perched on a chair where it had slipped out.\u00a0 (No, Chrysler did not manufacture this chair, but perhaps it was made by a subsidiary.)<\/p>\n

This was the fateful moment I first considered the painful indignity of a wallet chain.<\/p>\n

As a result of painstaking research (i.e. wandering through a mall waiting for my wife to finish shopping), I stumble into a Harley Davidson shop.\u00a0 Not the kind that sells the death bikes, the kind that sells t-shirts, jackets and key chains to make you LOOK like you\u2019re the kind of wild and carefree guy who would ride a Harley (if your wife would let you).\u00a0 And there they were \u2013 wallet chains as far as the eye could see.<\/p>\n

Yes, I am a Neanderthal, and I am unquestionably insecure, but I am now an insecure Neanderthal who always knows exactly where to find my wallet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There are seven billion people on Earth, and not one of them has looked with greater disdain at people who wear wallet chains than me.\u00a0 I have silently (okay, sometimes not so silently) condemned them as pathetic Neanderthals – insecure with themselves at best and very likely mentally ill.\u00a0 This is why it was so […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[680,679,677,678],"class_list":["post-1240","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-harley-davidson","tag-nebraska","tag-wallet","tag-wallet-chain"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1240"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1245,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240\/revisions\/1245"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1240"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1240"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}