{"id":1129,"date":"2018-03-15T15:50:58","date_gmt":"2018-03-15T22:50:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1129"},"modified":"2018-03-15T15:50:58","modified_gmt":"2018-03-15T22:50:58","slug":"worlds-hairiest-baby","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1129","title":{"rendered":"The World’s Hairiest Baby"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>My daughter got married last summer.\u00a0 I would have written a column about it, but after selling my extra kidney on the Chinese black market to pay for the nuptials, I didn\u2019t have any money left for ink.\u00a0 For the purposes of this column I will refer to my daughter as \u201cZoe\u201d and her husband as \u201cWill,\u201d because their names happen to be Zoe and Will.\u00a0 But I digress.\u00a0 My newly impoverished state is not what this is about.\u00a0 This is about what the parents of every young bride hope and pray will come next.\u00a0 This is about the special gift that will fulfill their purpose in life.\u00a0 I am referring, of course, to a minimum of five to ten years of ABSOLUTELY NO BABIES!\u00a0 ZERO!\u00a0 This is why my wife and I were thrilled to learn that we were the proud new grandparents, to their new dog \u2013 our \u201cgranddog.\u201d<\/p>\n

If anything can snap a starry-eyed couple back to the reality of caring for a newborn, it\u2019s a puppy.\u00a0 As everyone knows, having a puppy is exactly like having a baby, that is, if you could lock your baby in the garage for two or three hours while you went out to dinner.\u00a0 In other words, the stark reality of caring for a demanding puppy is the most effective form of birth control.<\/p>\n

Our granddog is a one-year old mongrel named Milo.\u00a0 They \u201cadopted\u201d Milo from a humane society.\u00a0 My daughter is pretty sure that his first owner was homeless.\u00a0 This is because every time Milo spots a homeless person he makes a b-line for them.\u00a0 Milo LOVES homeless people.\u00a0 That, and he loves to dig through garbage.<\/p>\n

If he was once homeless, Milo has hit the jackpot.\u00a0 As my loyal readers know, I grew up in Alsea.\u00a0 Years ago, one of my daughters asked me after visiting the orthodontist, \u201cDad, did you have braces?\u201d\u00a0 My answer, \u201cZoe, kids from Alsea don\u2019t get braces.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, we were lucky to get a couple of off-brand jeans at the beginning of the school year.\u00a0 Milo\u2019s life is now like that prostitute from Pretty Woman after Richard Gere took her on that shopping spree on Rodeo Drive.\u00a0 His wardrobe is enormous.\u00a0 No off-brand attire for Milo.\u00a0 Only the finest tweed coats and breathable rainwear.<\/p>\n

Here is Milo sporting something stylish and catching some Z\u2019s after an exhausting day of being spoiled \u2013<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>As the old song goes, \u201cZoe and Will, kissing in the tree.\u00a0 K-i-s-s-i-n-g.\u00a0 First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Milo in the doggy carriage.\u201d\u00a0 Welcome to the family Milo!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My daughter got married last summer.\u00a0 I would have written a column about it, but after selling my extra kidney on the Chinese black market to pay for the nuptials, I didn\u2019t have any money left for ink.\u00a0 For the purposes of this column I will refer to my daughter as \u201cZoe\u201d and her husband […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[657,656,658,659],"class_list":["post-1129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-baby","tag-dog","tag-hairy-baby","tag-marriage"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1129","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1129"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1129\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1140,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1129\/revisions\/1140"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}