{"id":1062,"date":"2017-11-19T07:42:45","date_gmt":"2017-11-19T15:42:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1062"},"modified":"2017-11-19T07:42:45","modified_gmt":"2017-11-19T15:42:45","slug":"100-calzone-showdown-steelhead-corral","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1062","title":{"rendered":"The $100 Calzone Showdown at the Steelhead Corral"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Saying my wife has a \u201ccompetitive nature\u201d is an understatement equivalent to saying Donald Trump has a \u201cbit of any ego.\u201d\u00a0 This is the woman who, whenever I step my fat butt onto an escalator, will routinely race up the stairs next to it and beat me to the top.<\/em>\u00a0 This is the woman who, if you are ever stupid enough to play poker with her, will bleed you of every penny, and smile sweetly while she does it.\u00a0 If you ever find yourself thinking about competing with her in anything, I have three words for you: \u201cGive up now.\u201d\u00a0 She is a human D10 Dozer that will crush your every hope of victory.<\/p>\n

This leads us to last Saturday night.\u00a0 It will live forever in infamy as \u201cThe Calzone Incident.\u201d\u00a0 It began so innocently, just five couples getting together for dinner.<\/p>\n

My wife ordered a calzone.\u00a0 When it arrived, everyone marveled at its enormity.\u00a0 It was the size of a Buick Regal.\u00a0 A discussion quickly ensued about whether she could ever finish it.\u00a0 The group\u2019s consensus:\u00a0 Not in this lifetime.<\/p>\n

Then it happened.\u00a0 Someone I will refer to for the purposes of this column as \u201cSkip,\u201d because his name happens to be Skip Hanson (that\u2019s with an s-o-n), of Omaha, Nebraska, lit the match that ignited The Calzone Incident.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll give you $100 if you can finish the whole thing,\u201d he dared her, fanning out five $20 bills.\u00a0 It was a red cape to the bull.<\/p>\n

My wife gave his challenge careful consideration for about half a nanosecond<\/em><\/strong>, and quickly accepted.\u00a0 She announced that she would donate her anticipated windfall to her favorite charity, Love Beyond the Orphanage.\u00a0 Thus, the gastronomical marathon ensued.\u00a0 And she did not simply accept the challenge.\u00a0 Oh, no.\u00a0 That would be too gentle on her victim, Skip.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 She would twist the knife.\u00a0 We sat mesmerized as she cut each piece, dipped it into a cup of marinara sauce, picked up a tabasco bottle and gave it a few shakes, then slide it down the pipe.\u00a0 Like a machine.\u00a0 Bite, after bite, after bite.\u00a0 The cutting.\u00a0 The dipping.\u00a0 The shaking.\u00a0 The chewing.\u00a0 The sliding.\u00a0 By my estimate, about one-million times in a row.\u00a0 And she smiled sweetly the whole time she did it, and especially as she held out her hand for the $100.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Saying my wife has a \u201ccompetitive nature\u201d is an understatement equivalent to saying Donald Trump has a \u201cbit of any ego.\u201d\u00a0 This is the woman who, whenever I step my fat butt onto an escalator, will routinely race up the stairs next to it and beat me to the top.\u00a0 This is the woman who, […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[641,642,640,643],"class_list":["post-1062","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-calzone","tag-calzone-humor","tag-food-humor","tag-italian-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1062","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1062"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1062\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1066,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1062\/revisions\/1066"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1062"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1062"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1062"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}