{"id":1017,"date":"2017-05-29T14:59:32","date_gmt":"2017-05-29T21:59:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1017"},"modified":"2017-05-29T15:38:11","modified_gmt":"2017-05-29T22:38:11","slug":"top-three-funny-things-victim-smash-grab","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1017","title":{"rendered":"Top Three Funny Things About Being the Victim of a Smash and Grab"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

I know what you’re thinking.\u00a0 With all the humor that a smash and grab creates, why limit the list to three?\u00a0 Well, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I need to reserve time to sweep up the glass and get the repair estimates.\u00a0 So here’s the story-<\/p>\n

My daughter, who I will refer to as Emma for the purposes of this column, because her name happens to be Emma, parked in front of our house last night.\u00a0 Because she is a teenager, 92% of her brain is dormant.\u00a0 (This issue will not be resolved until she gets her real job after college when she is shocked to find out the landlord actually wants to be paid the rent on time each and every month.)\u00a0 But I digress.\u00a0 Emma left her purse on her front passenger seat\u00a0 before dutifully locking the vehicle.\u00a0 We live in a very nice neighborhood, a very non-smash and grab type of neighborhood.\u00a0 She was, therefore, lulled into a false sense of security.<\/p>\n

Fast-forward to this morning when I go out to get the morning paper and discover her passenger side window smashed in and her purse missing.<\/p>\n

Humor Point #1\u00a0 (And I swear to you that I am not making this up.)<\/p>\n

One of Emma’s first comments was, “At least they only took my purse.”\u00a0 She was factually correct.\u00a0 Perhaps because the thief was so blinded by the credit cards and cash in her purse, he neglected to spot the candy bar wrappers and dirty socks sitting IN PLAIN VIEW on the floorboard, which he so foolishly left untouched.<\/p>\n

Humor Point #2<\/p>\n

After weighing whether to call the police, I gave a ring to the non-emergency number of the local police department.\u00a0 “Do you even come out for something like this?” I asked?\u00a0 The nice lady answered that unless we had some way to identify the thief, like he dropped his cell phone or his wallet, or perhaps used a grease pen to write his name and phone number on the windshield, “No.”<\/p>\n

Humor Point #3<\/p>\n

This space will remain vacant for future humor expansion.<\/p>\n

In conclusion, if anyone knows a drug addict who has an aversion to dirty socks and candy bar wrappers, please contact me immediately.\u00a0 I’m pretty sure that with that type of lead the police would jump on this case like stink on a monkey.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards I know what you’re thinking.\u00a0 With all the humor that a smash and grab creates, why limit the list to three?\u00a0 Well, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I need to reserve time to sweep up the glass and get the repair estimates.\u00a0 So here’s the story- My daughter, who […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[613,614,611,18,532,612],"class_list":["post-1017","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-car-clout","tag-car-clout-humor","tag-crime-humor","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-smash-and-grab"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1017","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1017"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1017\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1022,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1017\/revisions\/1022"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1017"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1017"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1017"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}