{"id":1004,"date":"2017-03-19T07:20:38","date_gmt":"2017-03-19T14:20:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1004"},"modified":"2017-03-19T07:20:38","modified_gmt":"2017-03-19T14:20:38","slug":"alaskan-moose-dont-attend-kindergarten","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1004","title":{"rendered":"Why Alaskan Moose Don’t Attend Kindergarten"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Every word of this story is true.\u00a0 Well, almost<\/em> every word of this story is true.\u00a0 Okay, part <\/em>of this story is true.\u00a0 Okay, okay, this story was inspired<\/em> by a true story (that someone told me about).\u00a0 Let’s call it, “Hollywood true.”<\/p>\n

It involves a man being abducted by aliens who conducted a series of disturbing experiments involving his\u2026.\u00a0 Wait.\u00a0 No. That\u2019s not the story I was going to tell you about.\u00a0 The story I was going to tell you about involves a moose.\u00a0 Actually, several moose.<\/p>\n

Dan Joling, a writer for the Associated Press, recently penned an article warning Alaskans about \u201cgrumpy moose.\u201d One moose kicked a woman in the head while she was out feeding her chickens.\u00a0 (If you\u2019re keeping track, this is reason 185 why you should never own a chicken).\u00a0 Another moose charged at some folks at an Alaskan ski resort \u2013 twice.\u00a0 (Say what you will about moose – they\u2019re persistent.)\u00a0 The \u201ctake-away,\u201d if you will, from Joling\u2019s article is that if Alaskan moose attended kindergarten, they would come home every day with notes saying that they didn\u2019t \u201cwork and play well with others.\u201d<\/p>\n

On a related note, my wife\u2019s family has a cabin in Montana.\u00a0 Here is how you get there:<\/p>\n

Step 1.\u00a0 Drive to the state of Montana.<\/p>\n

Step 2.\u00a0 Continue driving into the state at Montana\u2019s legal speed limit of 500 miles an hour.<\/p>\n

Step 3.\u00a0 When you\u00a0 reach The Middle of Nowhere, make a sharp right turn at a sign that says Fish Creek Road.<\/p>\n

Step 4.\u00a0 Continue driving for several more hours, and after bouncing along on a gravel road for three full eternities, you finally arrive – at a location where you need to continue driving for several more hours.<\/p>\n

Step 5.\u00a0 When your kidneys finally unionize and demand humane working conditions, you reach the cabin.<\/p>\n

The cabin sits in a valley where no electronic communications exist, nor will they ever exist.\u00a0 People in the darkest, most remote corners of the jungles of Borneo will have four full bars of wifi before any electronic communication penetrates this valley.\u00a0 What do exist in this valley, however, are moose.\u00a0 Now, I would love to tell you that these Montana moose are not grumpy like those rude Alaskan moose who keep kicking women in the head as they feed their chickens.\u00a0 However, I am not in a position to do so.\u00a0 This is because WE STAY AWAY FROM THE MOOSE.\u00a0 My wife\u2019s family is very large (to be precise, after the last baby was born, including cousins – the number stands at 1,383,052).\u00a0 All of us, at one point or another, visit the cabin, AND THIS KEY, none of us is clinically insane (Well, there is…\u00a0 No!\u00a0 I\u2019m joking!\u00a0 Not a single one of us is clinically<\/em> insane).\u00a0 So we stay away from the moose.\u00a0 We exercise a Zero Tolerance Moose Policy as it pertains to moose and all moose-related creatures.\u00a0 The nuances of their personalities, therefore, remain a mystery to us, unlike, may I point out, the Chicken Lady of Homer, Alaska.\u00a0 So that\u2019s the point of my very true story.<\/p>\n

However, now that I\u2019ve told my moose story, on second thought, maybe I should have told you about the alien abduction instead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Every word of this story is true.\u00a0 Well, almost every word of this story is true.\u00a0 Okay, part of this story is true.\u00a0 Okay, okay, this story was inspired by a true story (that someone told me about).\u00a0 Let’s call it, “Hollywood true.” It involves a man being abducted by aliens who conducted a series […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[145,607,610,532,364,608,606,609],"class_list":["post-1004","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-alaska","tag-alaskan-moose","tag-hollywood-true","tag-humor","tag-montana","tag-montana-moose","tag-moose","tag-zero-tolerance"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1004","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1004"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1004\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1015,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1004\/revisions\/1015"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1004"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1004"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1004"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}