The Final Sign That The World Is Ending Has Arrived

The final sign that the world is ending has arrived.  The first sign, of course, was World War II.  The second sign was the “Great Plague,” which we call the Coronavirus Pandemic.  And now, at long last, the final sign is here.  You have seen this sign all around you, both in print and on television.  It says:

“The McRIB is Back!”

It seems fitting that a soulless multinational corporation is the one to break the news.  As it turns out, the world will not end in one triumphant explosion of light and energy, but rather, incrementally – one heart attack at a time.

Speaking of heart failure, what is that goop-coated cylinder inside the McRIB bun?  It’s not a rib.  Just what part of the pig is it?  Do they really use ALL parts of the pig?

While we’re on the subject, have you noticed that the media has announced the end of the Coronavirus Pandemic?  Of course, they didn’t come right out and say it exactly like that.  They were more subtle.  They simply moved on to begin warning us of a new “world ending” crisis.  In this case, for example, CNN announced the Coronavirus Pandemic is over with the headline (this is a REAL headline): “An invasive species of giant lizard has been making its way through the Southeast.”  Below this headline, they added a picture of a creature that looks like it starred in Jurassic Park.  Here it is racing toward your doorstep:

The tagline below the picture reads: “The black and white tegu lizard has few predators and can reproduce quickly.”

According to the crack CNN investigative journalist, the lizard can grow up to four feet long.  To prevent the reader from becoming too alarmed (I mean who wants a four-foot-long lizard quickly reproducing in their backyard), the article includes the consoling statement, “Tegus do not pose a large threat to humans, but they can bite.” 

Since CNN loves to “fact check” everything these days, I felt the need to fact check their “do not pose a large threat” statement.  Here it is:

Doesn’t whether this giant lizard pose a large threat depend on where it bites a person?  For example, I’m sure we can all agree that it does pose a “large threat” if it bites a guy directly on his McRIB. 

Last Night I Ate Too Much Chili, And Oh Boy, Did I “Release the Kraken”

Former Trump lawyer, Sidney Powell, recently announced during a press conference that soon, VERY SOON, she would, “Release the Kraken!”  Which, of course, made everybody immediately ask:

A. What is a Kraken?

And,

B. What happens when you release it?

A quick internet search will tell you that “the kraken” is a mythical sea creature dating back centuries in Norwegian lore.  This monstrous beast has giant tentacles, and after eating too much chili, attacks unsuspecting fisherman.  Even Aquaman keeps his distance after this thing’s had more than a bowl.

Sidney Powell has not revealed how a giant sea creature can help President Trump prevail in his effort to overturn what appears to be a clear victory for “Good Ole Joe.”  On the other hand, Krakens are “Huge.”  So, I can see how Trump’s attracted to this disgusting creature.  I mean, let’s face it, he was attracted to Omarosa. 

Meanwhile, “Good Ole Joe” thought Powell was talking about his favorite breakfast cereal. 

At this point, you may be asking, ‘Jack, thank you adding kraken to our vocabulary, but when would we ever use it?’

Thank you for asking, inquisitive fictional reader!

Here are a few examples of when you can slip the word “kraken” into a sentence to impress your family, friends and coworkers:

1. If you are, by chance, employed as a hotel bellhop, using this term will impress your guests and result in larger tips.  When explaining the room’s features, after pointing out the tv remote and the mini refrigerator, you might add, “And this is the switch for the bathroom fan.  Be sure to flip it on if you’re going to release the kraken.”

2. If you return home from a first date, and your roommate asks why you’re home so early, you can succinctly explain, “I pick her up, but as we were driving to the movie theatre I slipped, and accidently released the kraken.”

3. If you’re loading up for a long road trip to grandma’s, you can announce to everyone in the car before leaving, “Look, I’m only saying this once, roll down a window if you are going to release the kraken.”

Meanwhile, I hope General Mills is paying attention, because The Kraken really is a good name for a breakfast cereal. 

How Bigfoot Can Save Oregon

I grew up in Alsea, Oregon.  My friend Michael McCowan and I spent 27 hours a day wandering around in the woods, and we kept our eyes peeled because we figured there was always a chance we might stumble across a bigfoot.  We weren’t stupid.  We knew there was no guarantee we’d see one.  In fact, if you asked us to give you odds, we’d probably give you a really conservative estimate – something like only 75%.

When the bigfoot documentary was released in 1970, Michael’s parents drove us over the mountain to the Whiteside Theatre in Corvallis for the big event.  We wanted to be first in line.  FINALLY – confirmation of bigfoot’s existence! Such sweet vindication over our many foolish naysayers. 

The movie gave us all the more reason to keep our heads on a swivel when we were in the woods.  Keep in mind that we were always armed with BB guns, but bigfoot looked ginormous in that movie – even though we only got to see him for moment in the very blurry distance. 

Fast forward to present day Oregon.  We have a state capital chock full of politicians with champagne taste and a beer budget.  The Beaver State is broke with a capital B.  Our current slate of political leaders can’t run their own lives let alone an entire state. 

Do you remember that class in the seventh grade where you learn how to manage your household budget?  You’re assigned an imaginary monthly income, and then you have to create a budget within that amount?  Oregon’s political leaders missed school that day.  In fact, if the US government let states print money, Oregon would immediately have its printing presses spinning at top speed.  After three days, you’d need a wheelbarrow of it to buy a glass of water.

In short, things look bleak.

This is where bigfoot can help.

California has Disneyland pouring millions of dollars into the state’s coffers.

Tennessee’s Dollywood adds millions to the Volunteer State’s tax base.

And, of course, Louisiana has Gator World which creates tens of dollars in tax revenue.  Just kidding, Gator World!  Last year alone, Gator World was responsible for generating HUNDREDS of dollars in tax revenue.  Just kidding again!  Really! When I go to bed tonight, please don’t let me find an alligator fluffing my pillow.

This is why Oregon needs Bigfoot World!  A comprehensive bigfoot bonanza –

Bigfoot Rollercoaster

Bigfoot Lazy River

Bigfoot Hotel and Casino

Bigfoot elephant ears (We’ll call them Bigfoot ears!)

All we need to do is go take pictures of Disneyland’s most popular attractions and then put the word ‘bigfoot’ in front of everything.

And I have just the location to make Bigfoot World a HUGE success.

Alsea!

Why Alsea, you ask?  Because when tourists come to visit, there is, conservatively speaking, a 75% chance they’ll see a real bigfoot!

How You Can Tell When Another Wave of Covid is About to Strike (Read This – It May Save Your Life!)

Like you, I have been watching too much tv lately.  And now that all the dead people have finally mailed in their ballots for “Good ‘ole Joe,” Wolf Blitzer can get back to hyperventilating over Covid-19.  This is important, because after a mere two million hours of coverage, the media is sensing that we, the viewing public, are still clamoring for more.  And, of course, we are…

NOT!

Nevertheless, we continue to watch.  Why?  Because we’re Americans, damn it!  And that’s what we do.  We watch tv!  Not like those godless communists who sit around the kitchen table all night chain-smoking and plotting subversive ways to overthrow our government from within, otherwise known as the … huh, never mind.

If you have been watching all the minute-by-minute updates on Covid-19, you know that there are three ways to identify the beginning of another wave of the virus:

1. The number of people testing positive.

2. The number of people requiring hospitalization,

And, of course, the most accurate warning sign –

3. The number of rolls of toilet paper flying off the shelves. 

Coal miners used to take canaries down into the mines with them as a precaution.  The presence of carbon monoxide would quickly kill the canaries and give the (heartless) miners (AKA “canary murderers”) enough time to get the H, E, double toothpicks out of there.

Well, toilet paper is the canary of 2020.  In fact, I’ve begun a Kickstarter Campaign to raise money for my new toilet paper company, Tweet-Tweet Toilet Paper.  And because of the tremendous devastation this virus has caused so many Americans, a percentage of every roll sold will be donated to help the families of all those canaries who tragically lost their lives.  [For potential investors’ eyes only!  DO Not read further if you are NOT going to be an investor!  — That percentage will be .0000001%.  Who do they think we are, suckers?)

Go to TweetTweetToiletPaper.com to learn more about his exciting opportunity.  And, like the political operatives always say, “Never let a tragedy go to waste!”

A practical word to the wise-

When another coronavirus wave hits, and you find yourself too late to the toilet paper aisle, use the simple technique I use.  I call it the “Redneck Bidet.”  All you need is a backyard hose and a towel.  (And “thank you” ahead of time, for being so sustainable.)

Are You Sure We’re Following the Science? Because It Looks Like We’re Following the Money

If I may speak seriously for a moment, I need to make one thing clear.  I stand on principle, and there is one principle on which I will not compromise.  Here it is:  Even if it only saves one life, implementing every safeguard to prevent the spread of Covid-19 is critical during this pivotal moment in our nation’s history, even if it means we must endure skyrocketing teenage suicide rates and ignoring those so-called “necessary” cancer screenings.  In short, “we must follow the science,” even if it kills us. 

Walmart hasn’t remained open because it’s a multibillion-dollar powerhouse.  It’s simply safer to wait in line at Walmart than other stores.  (And much, much safer than election lines.)

States haven’t allowed liquor stores to remain open because they rake in zillions in tax revenue.  It’s SAFER to wait in line at liquor stores. 

Airlines haven’t continued to pack travelers into airtight tubes for hours on end because of their political clout.  (You wacky conspiracy theorist!)  Study after study has proven that sitting for five hours shoulder to shoulder with smelly strangers is perfectly safe.  Remember, these airlines are “following the science.”  So, feel free to take a flight.  Climb aboard, sit back, take a deep breath and relax. 

None of these activities is, for example, the insanity of visiting a hair salon.  Or something totally bonkers, like attending a funeral.  And don’t get me started about all those maniacs who want to go to church!  These raving lunatics will kill us all!

Anyway, that’s my take on it.  On the other hand, I might just be a better person than you.  In fact, if you don’t feel the same way, maybe it’s time for you to take a good long look in the mirror.  But please, for the sake of all that is true and pure, when you take that look in the mirror, PLEASE remember to follow the science and wear a mask. 

Minimum Wage Nevada Vote Counter Reconsiders Her Career Choice

There are 50 states, but several always loom larger than the others – among them, California, Florida, New York, and Texas.  But the REALLY big one, the one which always comes to mind first when we think of raw election power is, of course, Nevada.  That’s because Nevada has a whopping six electoral college votes.  To put this in perspective, Alaska has three, and no one lives in Alaska.  On the other hand, California has 55 electoral votes.  There are so many electoral college representatives in California that if you stretched them head to toe, they would reach all the way from that great American landmark, the Golden Gate Bridge, to that other great American landmark, the world’s largest ball of twine, in Cawker City, Kansas.  (Google it!)

It’s day three after the election, and Nevada is still trying to tally its votes.  You would think that with all those nimble blackjack dealing fingers, they’d have finished lickety-split.  But no – Snake eyes, 

Nevada election workers are feeling more heat than the cat who crawled onto the engine of the recently parked Chrysler Cordoba. 

Cindy Smallwood, a seasonal election worker in Winnemucca, Nevada, took the minimum wage job at her local elections division to earn money for Christmas.  She is now literally losing her hair and back up to three packs a day. 

“I pictured myself in a quiet room counting votes.  But this morning, my supervisor recommended we start wearing body armor,” said the 36-year-old mother of two.  “I don’t have any body armor.  And frankly, it sounds expensive.  I only make $8.25 an hour.”

Cindy shyly admitted that she didn’t even vote in the election.  “They’re both a couple of clowns if you ask me,” she quipped.  She pulled out her smartphone and clicked on her Facebook page.  Then she scrolled to a meme she posted earlier in the day.  It said: ‘If either one of these nuts gets voted President, I’m moving to Canada!’

Then Cindy put her phone away, crushed her cigarette butt under her heel, and began pushing her way through the crowd of “observers” back toward her station in the counting room.

Murder Hornets Discovered Responsible for Covid-19 Pandemic to Conceal Plan for Worldwide Domination

The mainstream media continues to push the narrative that China was the source of Covid-19.  Think twice before you buy this “fake news.” 

Answer this: What is the last thing you’ve been thinking about since you began wearing a facemask, hiding under you bed, and peeing yourself each time a stranger gets within six feet?  Murder Hornets!  That’s what! 

Call me an unhinged conspiracy theorist, but if you haven’t at least considered that Murder Hornets are behind this entire international calamity, you, my friend, just fell off the turnip truck. 

Here is a sample of the subtle headlines plastered across America that you are NOT noticing because Covid-19 stories are clogging up ALL the media space:

“Terrifying ‘murder hornets’ invade US” – UPI.

“Study: Giant murder hornets could invade entire region if left unchecked” – KOMO News.

“‘Murder Hornets’ invading U.S. will soon enter their ‘slaughter phase’” – Patriot News.

They are entering their “Slaughter Phase,” people!  Wake up!

Go ahead, Google it.  These are REAL headlines. 

And answer me another question: Why, on God’s green earth, has there not been a single question about the Murder Hornet invasion during ANY of the presidential debates? 

Donald Trump’s wall will NOT stop the Murder Hornets!  Joe Biden’s packing the Supreme Court will NOT stop the Murder Hornets!  No matter how loud Donald Trump yells or how many times Joe Biden answers a question with, “Come on, Man,” none of this is going to prevent the Murder Hornets from “stealing our democracy.”  Oh, and a little something called, “Killing us in our sleep!”

How can we address the challenge of confronting the complex, multifaceted problem of holding a presidential election with all the noise and distraction it creates, when we should be laser focused on Murder Hornets?  Well, complex problems call for complex solutions.  And by “complex solutions,” I mean flipping a coin.  Everybody says it’s going to be a close election anyway.  Why not get it over with?  We’ll have Dr. Fauci flip the coin.  Everybody loves wacky Dr. Fauci, even if he can’t make up his mind whether “the research supports” putting our underwear on our heads and walking backwards in public.  (The loser of the coin flip can be ambassador of Costa Rica.  I hear it’s beautiful down there.)

Once we’ve flipped the coin and become either a fascist or socialist nation, then we can focus of keeping the Murder Hornets from tracking down and eating our children.  We can even ask China to help.  I hear they have a laboratory in Wuhan that could use a little good PR right now. 

Oregon: All the Insanity of Florida, But Conveniently Located on the West Coast!

Oregon has a rich reputation for rain, recreation and rioting.  However, as a native Oregonian, I have never felt my state has been given credit for another richly deserved quality.  I am speaking, of course, about insanity. 

Let’s begin with its traffic laws.  Consider these two Oregon traffic laws currently being enforced  ̶ 

1. Oregon requires that a driver use his turn signal for a minimum of 100 feet before changing lanes.  If a driver makes a right turn and then needs to make a left turn 50 feet down the road – and uses his left turn signal THE ENTIRE 50 FEET – a police officer can lawful stop the driver for a violation of the turn signal law.  Yes, you read that correctly – Impossibility and the Newton’s Law of “God-given Common Sense,” are not a defense to Oregon’s 100-foot turn signal requirement.  Welcome to Oregon!

Now, add this –

2. Oregon traffic law considers moving from a parked position on the street into the lane of travel to be “changing lanes.”  Thus, getting into your parked car, and then pulling into the lane of travel requires you use a turn signal.

Here’s my point –

The logical implication of the above two laws is that every time an Oregon driver gets into his car, turns on his turn signal, and then pulls into the lane of travel – because he has not used his turn signal for 100 feet – HE IS VIOLATING OREGON’S TRAFFIC LAW!

Given the insanity of these Oregon laws, this next ditty may not come as any shocking surprise.  Oregon ALSO requires the use of a turn signal even if turning in that direction is the driver’s ONLY option.

You may be thinking, “Jack, I’m sure the police in Oregon would never stop a driver for failing to use a turn signal when he is turning in the only possible direction.”  And you would be wrong.  A bored officer at 2 a.m. on a Saturday morning is more than happy to enforce this FLAGRANT violation. 

Oregon appellate courts have interpreted our traffic laws EXACTLY as I explained above, with the exception of the “pulling into traffic” example, which, as I have explained, is a logical extrapolation of the other two laws. 

By now, you’re probably thinking, ‘Okay, but every state has it’s idiosyncrasies.’  This is true, however, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit Exhibits 1, 2 and 3:

1. Do other states blow up whales?  We did. Blubber flying through the sky landing on cars and spectators as far as the eye could see.  Google it. 

2. Did they name their major city using the flip of a coin?  Oregon did.  Portland had a 50/50 chance of being named Boston.  (Can Oregon come up with ANY original name?  It’s a miracle our state isn’t named West Massachusetts.)

And finally, I present –

Exhibit 3: Oregon didn’t have ANY laws against possessing, manufacturing or using dynamite until 1970.  Prior to that, it was “bombs away!” 

So, visit Oregon soon.  Just be sure to obey our laws, and by “obey our laws,” I mean never, under any circumstances, should you EVER pull your car into traffic.

The Last Undecided Voter in America Still Undecided on Whether to Watch the Debate

Bob Grossmeyer sat at his kitchen table in Akron, Ohio, last Tuesday morning discussing the presidential election with Senior Political Reporter for Jocularious.com, Mary Sandoval.  Grossmeyer, the last undecided voter in America, explained his dilemma over whether to watch the debate that night.

“Look,” he said to Sandoval, slowly and carefully choosing his words, “It’s a difficult decision.  Sure, watching the debate might help me decide.  But (he paused for effect), there are also several other entertaining programs on television tonight.  Then, of course, there’s the option of NOT watching television.  I could listen to music, or I could take a walk.  I could listen to music AND take a walk. I’m sure you understand my point.”

Sandoval sat pondering the balding, middle-aged man sipping on his decaf.  She left his home shortly thereafter shaking her head and praying she’d never have to spend another moment with the man.

Sandoval’s editor did not hear her prayer. He told her to follow up the next day. So, she phoned Grossmeyer to find out what he’d finally decided.

“I watched it.  I watched almost all of it.  Just as I was tying my shoe laces to go take a walk, I changed my mind and turned on the television.  I missed the first ten minutes.  Trump’s face was already red from screaming, and Biden was already repeating the phrase, ‘Come on, man!’ like a verbal Gatling gun.”

Sandoval asked Grossmeyer what he considered the most memorable moments.

“Number one has to be when Trump started making fun of Biden for wearing a mask the size of Nebraska everywhere he goes.  I laughed my a** off.  Hilarious.  I may not know who I’m voting for yet, but I’ll tell you one thing.  Love him or hate him, Trump’s fearless attitude toward the coronavirus is going to serve him well between now and the election.  Mark my words.”

“Number two has to be Biden’s snappy comeback when Trump pointed out that the wife of Moscow’s mayor gave Biden’s son, Hunter, 3 ½ million dollars.  Biden didn’t hesitate for a nanosecond. He fired right back: ‘Come on, man!  That’s been totally debunked!’  Point, set, match, Joe Biden.  Talk about putting an issue to rest.  He had probably been practicing that zinger in the basement all week.”

Sandoval ask Grossmeyer if the debate helped him move any closer to a decision.

“Not an inch.”

Grossmeyer hung up the phone and walked to the refrigerator.  He opened the door and stood staring intently at its contents.  He stood there motionless for ten minutes. What in the world to make for dinner?  If only, he could decide.

Oliver the Cat Officially Changes His Name to “The Gladiator”

When we think of combat sports, we think of MMA fighting and boxing.  The image of a cat fighting a roll of paper towels inside a bathtub isn’t often the first thing to come to mind. 

I had never seen or heard of such a thing myself until I was leaning over to start shaving recently.  All of a sudden, all hell broke loose behind me.  For a moment, I thought I was going to be the victim of a brutal home invasion.  Instead, I turned to see Oliver the Cat locked in an epic battle with a roll of paper towels inside our bathtub.  I have no idea why a roll of paper towels was in our bathroom, and I am unaware of any previous animosity between Oliver and any of our household paper products.  Nevertheless, they were going at it.  Flipping and twisting with Oliver inflicting savage bite after savage bite.  Intense “killer” bites!  The roll of paper towels was holding its own, but it had the unfortunate disadvantage of lacking teeth, claws, or any gripping appendages.  However, that roll could sure bounce back from a bite.  Throughout the battle, the roll displayed impressive fortitude in the face of Oliver’s savage onslaught. 

Alas, Oliver the Cat ultimately prevailed over his household commodity nemesis.  And in the aftermath, he lay in the glow of his victory next to the body of his grizzled opponent. 

I can’t help but be proud of Oliver’s ingenuity.  He’s invented an entertaining blood sport MINUS the blood, AND one that is unlikely to draw throngs of PETA activists protesting in the streets wearing cat costumes. 

Before COVID, I’m not sure how much money I’d pay to see a cat fight a roll of paper towels.  However, with so many sports still in hiatus, and ESPN relegated to broadcasting reruns of 1980’s professional bowling league quarterfinals, Oliver has a shot at the big time.  Don’t be surprised if the next time you tune into Fox Sports or ESPN 1, 2, 3 … ad infinitum, you see Oliver the Cat mixing it up with a roll of Bounty inside what appears to be a suburban bathtub.  (Insider tip: Put your money on the cat.)