All of this “sheltering in place” is getting a little old. Mental health experts recommend finding a goal to accomplish during this time. For example – Reading books you’ve had trouble finding time for. Studying a foreign language. Crocheting a blanket. As it turns out, my goal appears to be putting on 20 pounds. In […]
Life has been tough on the pangolin community recently. “It’s not bad enough that we’re being eaten,” announced a senior pangolin representative, “now, we’re being blamed for a pandemic?! This is an outrage!” The representative continued, “And to make matters worse, whenever someone asks what a pangolin is, they’re told we look like an armadillo. […]
I was BORN to shelter in place. I dream of sheltering in place. It’s not 1832. We’re not huddled in a freezing “Soddy” on the plains of Western Nebraska. We’ve got Netflix, for crying out loud! While I’m on the topic, here’s my take on the whole “hoarding” thing – According to official verified statistics […]
Nothing says social distancing like murderous breath. Commit this lifesaving motto to memory: Stinky Breath Today, Keep Coronavirus Away! Bad breath buys you – AT A MINIMUM – a three-foot buffer zone. I’m not sure where the whole six-foot buffer zone came from, but it makes sense. The average American isn’t six feet tall, so […]
I haven’t been tested, but according to the internet, I have the Coronavirus. I’m not 100% sure. How could I be? I am 99% sure. Here is how I know – First, I Googled “early Coronavirus symptoms.” The internet told me the three most common signs were: Cough, Fever and Respiratory Difficulty. I do not […]
Oliver the Cat is a meditation expert. A year and a half ago I stumbled on a book by ABC newsman Dan Harris. The title is 10% Happier. I’m not entirely sure Dan would agree, but here is my summary: Arrogant news reporter loses his mind and becomes a crazy drug addict. After he hits […]
As I have previously emphasized – I am a tourist, not a “traveler.” Tourists sit in air-conditioned buses eating caramel corn. “Travelers” hike through bug-infested river trails before sitting down for a hearty meal of barbequed goat gallbladders. As I write this, I am preparing to depart Vietnam where I came to attend a wedding. […]
As you read this, I am on a plane to Vietnam. The most important thing I learned during my recent “Visiting Vietnam Orientation” was that under no circumstances should I ever visit Vietnam. Just kidding! (If you read the previous sentence backwards, it spells – “Help! They’re taking me to Vietnam!”) Okay, now I’m REALLY […]
Iowa recently had a caucus, and now Nevada is getting ready to have one. I’m not exactly sure what a caucus is, but I think it might be what got Harvey Weinstein into all that trouble. I’ve been told that it’s when strangers get together somewhere like a school gym, or maybe in Weinstein’s case, […]
I live in Oregon. Our state’s proud motto: “Shivering in the rain ‘til the Big One hits!” It could be an earthquake. It could be a volcano. Whatever it is, it’s going to be BIG. According to all the super smart eggheads at Oregon State University (the kind of people who only laugh at calculous […]