BREAKING NEWS — Washington DC: The Administration is now considering sweeping new regulations limiting the number of toilet paper squares allowed per bathroom visit. This is the next phase of the Administration’s aggressive effort to combat climate change. The square limit has not yet been determined. Anonymous sources close to the administration have disclosed that […]
Things are finally opening up! We can resume our lives! We can stroll through shops. We can host cocktail parties. And, most refreshingly, we can flee from all the “pandemic puppies” who’ve been raised in isolation. Puppies who have developed all the social skills of Jeffrey Dahmer. I don’t know much about training puppies. What […]
As a “survivor” of multiple colonoscopies, I feel qualified to chime in on the new Anal Covid Swab Test that is supposed to be more accurate than the far less exciting nasal swab test. Yeah, I know we’re supposed to reserve the term “survivor” to use in “cancer survivor,” “military battle survivor,” and the hit […]
In my youth, it seems like I was always doing something dangerous. I climbed to the tippy top of tall trees. I drove jalopies with shiny bald tires and paper-thin brake pads down steep mountain roads. And perhaps most dangerously, I would tell women who asked me whether a dress made them look fat – […]
Many average Americans, perhaps you, are confused about the GameStop financial scandal. You may be asking, ‘What does this all mean?’ And, ‘Will it affect me and my family’s financial stability?’ The short answers to these important questions are: Number 1. It’s complicated. And, Number 2. Yes, it means certain financial devastation for you and […]
Authorities are investigating the assault on the U.S. Capitol to determine whether it was a coordinated attack. I have no formal training in crime scene reconstruction or political terrorism investigation. However, my youngest daughter, Emma, and I have watched several seasons of Project Runway. So, I am in a position to offer an opinion on the […]
Like most patriotic Americans, I only have a select number of trusted information sources. The first is the Bible. The second is the Encyclopedia Britannica. And the third, of course, is Snapple. Snapple always puts a “Real Facts” note underneath their bottle caps. The following is a sample of real “Real Facts.” (Sadly, I […]
Virtually every American, (99.6%), make a New Year’s resolution, and 99.5% of those resolutions are about their weight. Sadly, a mere 36 hours later, 99.4% of these doe-eyed hopefuls are plopped on a couch polishing off a quart of Ben and Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby” ice cream. Lucky for you, I’m here to help. Why? Because […]
The final sign that the world is ending has arrived. The first sign, of course, was World War II. The second sign was the “Great Plague,” which we call the Coronavirus Pandemic. And now, at long last, the final sign is here. You have seen this sign all around you, both in print and on […]
Former Trump lawyer, Sidney Powell, recently announced during a press conference that soon, VERY SOON, she would, “Release the Kraken!” Which, of course, made everybody immediately ask: A. What is a Kraken? And, B. What happens when you release it? A quick internet search will tell you that “the kraken” is a mythical sea creature […]