Millions of years from now, archaeologists, perhaps from another planet, will be carefully digging through previously inhabited areas of Earth. They will be looking for artifacts to help them understand the nature of the human experience. During this process, they will discover thousands of little plastic bags containing organic matter. They will wonder to themselves, […]
I am working remotely this afternoon, and by “remotely,” I mean sleeping on my couch. Oliver the Cat is working remotely, too. That’s him, above. Oliver has been working remotely since 1997. Just kidding! He’s only three years old. So, he’s been working remotely since 1897. (I’m including his first eight lives.) Oliver INVENTED working […]
I have been binge watching “The Amazing Race” reruns so hard that I came around the corner this morning and thought I spotted a clue box. Turned out, it was a utility pipe. This made me take a hard look at how I’ve been spending my free time. It was obvious I needed to reconsider […]
My barber recently cut my hair so short that people are now thanking me for my service. Unfortunately, I have never served in the military. So, I always feel a tinge of guilt when I tell them I did it for God and country, and that even though I was wounded in action, I’d do […]
My daughter and her husband had to take a quick trip to Oklahoma (State Motto: “We eat steak three times a day.”) This meant we had to immediately implement our version of the “Pony Express.” In our case, the “Doggy Express.” Milo the Dog lives in Portland. I live 100 miles south in The People’s […]
CNN ̶ “Your first source for bovine news” ̶ reports that milk cows are buzzing over the skies of Switzerland thicker than flies over an open latrine. Okay, MAYBE I’m exaggerating, but apparently Swiss dairy farmers routinely airlift about 1,000 cows down from summer grazing pastures each year. If a farmer thinks a cow is […]
I see the signs: “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!” But I’ve never seen “them.” I’ve never seen all the shirtless guys who are not wearing shoes yet are clamoring for service. They must duck for cover whenever I approach. But they can’t be too shy. Apparently, they’re brazen enough to go waltzing into stores […]
Fighting back tears, reporters from all major networks bravely maintained their composure as the reality hit them that Hurricane Henri would not decimate the east coast. “It felt like a kick to the stomach,” one MSNBC reporter confessed. “One minute we’re on seventh heaven, thinking, WOW, this is it! Our ratings are going to shoot […]
For the record, my wife and I didn’t go to Vegas to drink and gamble, we went to celebrate her friend’s 50th birthday. That said, I did drink and gamble. From the beginning, I was doomed to having a more difficult time slipping back into that coach seat for my return trip. Vegas is like […]
My wife and I got hooked on beachcombing for rocks by our friend, who for the purposes of this column, I will refer to as, “Katy,” because her name is Katy. Katy is to rock collecting as an F-350 Ford pickup is to gasoline – She can’t get enough. Her appetite for rocks is NEVER […]