I have been binge watching “The Amazing Race” reruns so hard that I came around the corner this morning and thought I spotted a clue box. Turned out, it was a utility pipe. This made me take a hard look at how I’ve been spending my free time. It was obvious I needed to reconsider […]
My barber recently cut my hair so short that people are now thanking me for my service. Unfortunately, I have never served in the military. So, I always feel a tinge of guilt when I tell them I did it for God and country, and that even though I was wounded in action, I’d do […]
My daughter and her husband had to take a quick trip to Oklahoma (State Motto: “We eat steak three times a day.”) This meant we had to immediately implement our version of the “Pony Express.” In our case, the “Doggy Express.” Milo the Dog lives in Portland. I live 100 miles south in The People’s […]
CNN ̶ “Your first source for bovine news” ̶ reports that milk cows are buzzing over the skies of Switzerland thicker than flies over an open latrine. Okay, MAYBE I’m exaggerating, but apparently Swiss dairy farmers routinely airlift about 1,000 cows down from summer grazing pastures each year. If a farmer thinks a cow is […]
I see the signs: “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!” But I’ve never seen “them.” I’ve never seen all the shirtless guys who are not wearing shoes yet are clamoring for service. They must duck for cover whenever I approach. But they can’t be too shy. Apparently, they’re brazen enough to go waltzing into stores […]
Fighting back tears, reporters from all major networks bravely maintained their composure as the reality hit them that Hurricane Henri would not decimate the east coast. “It felt like a kick to the stomach,” one MSNBC reporter confessed. “One minute we’re on seventh heaven, thinking, WOW, this is it! Our ratings are going to shoot […]
For the record, my wife and I didn’t go to Vegas to drink and gamble, we went to celebrate her friend’s 50th birthday. That said, I did drink and gamble. From the beginning, I was doomed to having a more difficult time slipping back into that coach seat for my return trip. Vegas is like […]
My wife and I got hooked on beachcombing for rocks by our friend, who for the purposes of this column, I will refer to as, “Katy,” because her name is Katy. Katy is to rock collecting as an F-350 Ford pickup is to gasoline – She can’t get enough. Her appetite for rocks is NEVER […]
The decision shocked sports fans. In a surprise move, the Olympic Committee just announced it will terminate the event that spectators most eagerly wait every four years to ridicule – Race Walking. The US media reacted in contradicting fashion. The New York Times published the photograph above to document the dignity and grace of this […]
The last thing I want to do is decimate the entire DYI home improvement industry. So, I feel compelled to clarify the title of this column. It should read, “Do not self-install laminate flooring UNLESS you a licensed professional contractor with decades of experience specializing in installing laminate flooring.” There, I feel better now. Unfortunately, […]