The last thing I want to do is make military service OR saving the world from rogue third-world counties ALL ABOUT ME. But let’s take a moment and make it all about me. I just watched the new Top Gun movie, and after nearly two hours of powering down a fifty-gallon drum of buttered popcorn, […]
I recently entered a new phase of my midlife crisis. No, I’m not buying a motorcycle. (I think you have to be an organ donor for that.) No, I’m not jumping out of a plane. NO, I’m not appearing on Naked and Afraid. Those things are pedestrian, even mundane. I’m throwing caution to the wind […]
If you’re someone concerned about global warming, I’ve got good news. You know all those millions of three-wheeled jalopies spewing plumes of black smoke into the air each day? Zillions of them? Throughout Asia? Pouring millions of tons of carbon into the atmosphere. You can stop worrying! I bought an e-bike! What I’m trying to […]
I just watched Shark Tank, and someone used the word “adroit.” The word caught my attention. I immediately stopped trying to confabulate some contraption to appear on Shark Tank and make my fortune. I thought to myself, ‘I need to start using that word. It’ll make me sound smart.’ So, that’s my new plan. First, […]
I love pizza as much as the next pre-diabetic guy, but this whole “pizza oven craze” is bonkers. A big, stand-alone oven exclusively to make pizza? Let’s think this through: #1. How many times are you really ever going to use it? I mean, as an actual pizza oven, not a boat anchor. #2. How […]
I visited the beach yesterday. A sign posted at the entrance point had four pictures on it – A crab, a cigarette butt, a sand dollar and a starfish. It read: “Which of these things doesn’t belong here?” My heart sank. Have we really reached the point as a society where we’re banning crabs from […]
I lost my wedding ring. When I confessed this to my wife, I was surprised to learn that she wasn’t upset. She took it calmly. She simply set down her phone, looked at me with her gentle, loving eyes, and yelled, “What?” at the top of her lungs. I had developed the habit of slipping […]
Every once in a while, I make the tragic mistake of subscribing to People magazine. It isn’t that I WANT People magazine, it is that People magazine skillfully uses a sophisticated entrapment technique to coerce me into subscribing. It happens at my work. It goes like this. They send you a color flyer depicting a […]
Being the victim of a violent crime is life altering. This is especially true if the offense is not only violent but invades your privacy. I should know. I am now tragically among the ranks of our nation’s faceless victims. How? A guy named “Bob” recently hacked my family’s Netflix account. That’s him in the […]
Say what you will about the Taliban, those guys keep a low carbon footprint. The West might even be able to learn a thing or two that could help us fight climate change. That is, if we could only set aside our judgmental attitude toward their savagery for a moment and keep an open mind. […]