I am as stubborn as the next guy. Do I ever stop and ask for directions? No. Even when I’m hopelessly lost? No. Even running late to an important event? No. A wedding? No. A funeral? Sorry, not going to happen. Back when the United States was trying desperately to convert to the metric system, […]
When I bought my house, the realtor told me to stock up on candy. She said the next street over really went all out on Halloween. “Stock up on candy” turned out to be code for, “Cash out your 401K and hire a former Army Supply Sergeant to coordinate candy distribution logistics.” My new neighborhood […]
At a press conference yesterday, Google announced that it had purchased the National Security Agency (NSA) from the US government. The Obama administration had posted the agency on eBay earlier that day, and Google used the “Buy It Now” feature to secure the purchase. Google spokesperson Charlie Snort explained that the timing of the purchase […]
Dear Abby, I am at my whit’s end. I requested a change in the location of my college football season tickets, and couldn’t be happier with the new view; however, my wife and I quickly realized why these seats became available. The guy to our left smells like a dead possum. The stink fumes rising […]
The NSA announced yesterday it would significantly change the way it spies on the intimate personal details of Americans. This change is expected to save billions of dollars. Traditionally, the agency has used high-tech eavesdropping electronics to sweep through trillions of phone calls, emails and other electronic communications and store the data in enormous “data […]
I have an idea for a television series. It will be next season’s biggest hit, and probably the biggest hit of the next decade. It’s called The Vegan Vampires of Beverly Hills. Let’s face it, everybody wants three things. First, deep down, everybody wants to be a vegan. Being a vegan is cool. It’s post-millennium. […]
The hoopla surrounding Miley Cyrus’ artistic performance at the Video Music Awards show is quickly dissipating. Experienced media experts predict her foam finger will stop making headlines in only three to five more years. Unfortunately, I missed the VMA show. A scheduling conflict prevented me from enjoying this year’s program — I had to clean […]
I offer Exhibit “A.” Proof positive that most people don’t choose their jobs as much as their jobs choose them. Exhibit “A” is a vocation smack atop the ‘Who in the world would chose that job?’ employment pyramid. No, not portable toilet cleaner. No, not North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un’s food taster. It’s a job […]
It’s called the Nike+ Fuelband. It’s a plastic electronic bracelet that wives buy to slap onto their pot-bellied husbands’ wrists to humiliate them into climbing off the couch once a week or so. It’s like one of those little research bands that Marlin Perkin’s had Jim Fowler attach to the legs of rare African birds. […]
True story. It’s 1973 and I’m sitting in Mr. Scherberhorn’s seventh grade Social Studies class. He’s rambling on about something, and I’m doing my best to tune him out. That’s because I’m busy pondering whether I could pull off wearing a pair of plaid bell bottoms. I wasn’t what you’d call a cool kid. Bell […]