This story is absolutely true. If you don’t believe me, I can produce a hundred witnesses to confirm its accuracy. Okay, I can produce ONE. But it’s my wife, and unlike me, she’s not an irredeemable liar. DANGER: This story is a full-blown PG-13, so anyone with even a mild sensitivity to crude humor should […]
Bungy jumping, big wave surfing, skydiving – all these have one thing in common, they’re kids’ play! I’m now driving the speed limit! Cop cars are shooting past me right and left. On their way to an emergency? No, on their way to lunch. Remember when the highway speed limit was 55 mph during the […]
Most of us have dreamed of winning PowerBall. We’ve dreamed of luxury automobiles. We’ve dreamed of palatial estates. We’ve dreamed of first-class travel to exotic locations. And, of course, we’ve dreamed of changing our names to hide from our shyster relatives. By the way, I just discovered Microsoft Word drank the “woke” Kool-Aid. I found […]
Okay, my wife didn’t tell me we were going to Chicago to get murdered. What she actually said was, “I planned a trip for us to Chicago.” My brain added the “to get murdered” part. There are “vacation people” and “non-vacation people.” I am a non-vacation person. So, I was immediately irritated that I had […]
After a new “double-blind” study, scientists have announced that their “control group” of individuals who did not “eat like a pig,” lost significantly greater weight than the, “ate like a pig” group (who actually gained 7% over the three-month study). This announcement has already sparked intense controversy in the food industry. Scientists from Nabisco, Kellogg’s, […]
I consider myself overweight, but I do not consider myself “fat.” I suffer from the same psychological affliction as drivers who travel 8 mph over the speed limit who look with distrain at those maniacs going 12 mph over the limit. That was until last night, when my world came crashing down – along with […]
I just kicked a woman and her two young children out of the men’s bathroom at the Fred Meyer’s Department Store in downtown Portland. Only… it wasn’t the men’s bathroom. Because I can’t blame myself, I’ll blame the store for its poor bathroom labeling practices. (I should sue them.) Here’s how the whole thing went […]
According to Mr. Google, 71.6% of Americans are overweight. I am one of those proud Americans. However, I am currently on a diet. My diet works like this: Step 1. Wake up in the morning vowing to only eat freshly picked lettuce and cucumbers until I have lost 40 pounds. Step 2. End the day […]
The last thing I want to do is make military service OR saving the world from rogue third-world counties ALL ABOUT ME. But let’s take a moment and make it all about me. I just watched the new Top Gun movie, and after nearly two hours of powering down a fifty-gallon drum of buttered popcorn, […]
I recently entered a new phase of my midlife crisis. No, I’m not buying a motorcycle. (I think you have to be an organ donor for that.) No, I’m not jumping out of a plane. NO, I’m not appearing on Naked and Afraid. Those things are pedestrian, even mundane. I’m throwing caution to the wind […]