Saying my wife has a “competitive nature” is an understatement equivalent to saying Donald Trump has a “bit of any ego.” This is the woman who, whenever I step my fat butt onto an escalator, will routinely race up the stairs next to it and beat me to the top. This is the woman who, […]
When I approached the octagon at my daughter’s sorority fundraising gala, it was an especially uncomfortable moment. The fact that my opponent was a middle-aged woman wearing an evening gown made this especially so. Let me explain. My daughter is a freshman at Oregon State University – home of the Beavers. Motto: “Dam Right I’m […]
I’d love to tell you I threw out my back lifting a Buick to save a small child, but I was actually reaching down to tighten a lawn sprinkler head. I was not attempting to lift the full weight of nearly one ounce piece of plastic, mind you, just twisting it tight. This was not […]
I think I speak for everyone when I say that few topics are funnier than a solar eclipse, because few things are funnier than praying your small children and pets won’t burn a hole in their retinas staring directly at the sun. And as if that isn’t funny enough, we here in Oregon aren’t just […]
By Jack Edwards My hummingbird feeder is notable for three reasons: 1. It’s antiseptically clean, 2. It’s filled with fresh delicious “nectar,” and 3. It’s completely devoid of hummingbirds. In fact, several local hummingbirds have not only requested, but RECEIVED, a declaration from the Oregon Hummingbird Association to ban my feeder. Here is what I […]
By Jack Edwards We’ll get to the disturbing similarities between wildlife officials and drug dealers in a moment, but first, the background: Every year, the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife holds a “Free Fishing Weekend.” This is the one weekend of the year that people can fish without a license. Now, let it be […]
By Jack Edwards I know what you’re thinking. With all the humor that a smash and grab creates, why limit the list to three? Well, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I need to reserve time to sweep up the glass and get the repair estimates. So here’s the story- My daughter, who […]
Every word of this story is true. Well, almost every word of this story is true. Okay, part of this story is true. Okay, okay, this story was inspired by a true story (that someone told me about). Let’s call it, “Hollywood true.” It involves a man being abducted by aliens who conducted a series […]
I began studying Korean four weeks ago by optimistically learning the sentence: “Please speak Korean very slowly.” After putting in this time, one thing has become abundantly clear. As a result, I have learned a new sentence. This new sentence will be instrumental during my trip to Korea this fall. Here is my new sentence: […]
I am OFFICIALLY calling on the United States Commerce Department to launch an “all out investigation” into the devious and patently unfair marketing strategy (i.e. “scheme”) of one of our nation’s preeminent industries. I think you know what industry I’m talking about. I also think you agree with me that this industry has been “coddled” […]