My wife recently asked me to go with her to Mom’s Weekend at our daughter’s university. I initially declined and pointed out that I was not, technically, a mom. But after quickly realizing my mistake, I remembered the, “Happy wife, happy life” rule, and reluctantly agreed to go. The weekend began with an All-University Sing […]
There are seven billion people on Earth, and not one of them has looked with greater disdain at people who wear wallet chains than me. I have silently (okay, sometimes not so silently) condemned them as pathetic Neanderthals – insecure with themselves at best and very likely mentally ill. This is why it was so […]
I’m not claiming to be an expert, but I’m pretty sure that my daughter’s dog just set a world’s record in the pee department. I’m contacting the Guinness Book of World Records to verify it. I don’t know if Guinness has a category dedicated to dog urination, but if they don’t, they need to set […]
I’ve put on a pound or two, and by “two,” I mean two dozen. I achieved this by strictly adhering to the “Fatkins” diet which I explained a couple of weeks ago. If you remember the “food pyramid” from school, the Fatkins diet is different. Fatkins is more of a “food circle,” like a pie. […]
Whiplash is a “soft tissue injury” caused when your spine is suddenly, and without warning, slammed into the shape of a Wetzel’s Pretzel. Usually when a car behind you decides to mate with your car. Symptoms include throbbing pain, dizziness, and a sudden urge to call 1-800 Ambulance Chasing Lawyer.com. I recently suffered a whiplash, […]
The new Fatkins diet is a piece of cake. I mean this literally. It is a piece of cake, as in, “Have a piece of cake.” I have steadfastly maintained this innovative diet for the last two years, and I can tell you: It gets results! The Fatkins diet is a simple modification of the […]
My daughter got married last summer. I would have written a column about it, but after selling my extra kidney on the Chinese black market to pay for the nuptials, I didn’t have any money left for ink. For the purposes of this column I will refer to my daughter as “Zoe” and her husband […]
There are three levels of personal discomfort of the bathroom variety. The New England Journal of Medicine has given each a technical name, or “alert level.” They are: Yellow Alert, Red Alert and Neon Flashing Orange Alert with Blaring Sirens. Here are their formal definitions – Yellow Alert: A mild but noticeable sensation of pressure […]
Peer pressure is the greatest challenge facing middle school children. These kids know right from wrong. They know when an idea is bad. But the pressure is often too much to bear, so at the tender age of 12, they cave into it. The need to belong overcomes their common sense. So imagine how I […]
My confirmation into the Catholic Church occurred at the age of 12 by a priest who soon thereafter took off with a waitress from Newport, Oregon (or so I’m told). So you have every reason to question my religious training. In fact, I strongly suggest that you do. My point is, we may be making […]