My wife and I decided to spend a week in Washington D.C. helping to Make America Great Again. So far I’ve only managed to make myself fat again (or, I should say, fatter again). However, between bites, I’m doing my best to help the MAGA effort. I don’t tour the White House until tomorrow morning, […]
An Open Letter to My Facebook Friends: Let me begin by stating that I have been quietly, but very closely, monitoring your posts about Donald Trump. I have been reading your heartfelt messages, and I have been clicking on your media links. Each has served to underscore my belief that we hold the same opinion […]
My wife recently asked me to go with her to Mom’s Weekend at our daughter’s university. I initially declined and pointed out that I was not, technically, a mom. But after quickly realizing my mistake, I remembered the, “Happy wife, happy life” rule, and reluctantly agreed to go. The weekend began with an All-University Sing […]
There are seven billion people on Earth, and not one of them has looked with greater disdain at people who wear wallet chains than me. I have silently (okay, sometimes not so silently) condemned them as pathetic Neanderthals – insecure with themselves at best and very likely mentally ill. This is why it was so […]
I’m not claiming to be an expert, but I’m pretty sure that my daughter’s dog just set a world’s record in the pee department. I’m contacting the Guinness Book of World Records to verify it. I don’t know if Guinness has a category dedicated to dog urination, but if they don’t, they need to set […]
I’ve put on a pound or two, and by “two,” I mean two dozen. I achieved this by strictly adhering to the “Fatkins” diet which I explained a couple of weeks ago. If you remember the “food pyramid” from school, the Fatkins diet is different. Fatkins is more of a “food circle,” like a pie. […]
Whiplash is a “soft tissue injury” caused when your spine is suddenly, and without warning, slammed into the shape of a Wetzel’s Pretzel. Usually when a car behind you decides to mate with your car. Symptoms include throbbing pain, dizziness, and a sudden urge to call 1-800 Ambulance Chasing Lawyer.com. I recently suffered a whiplash, […]
The new Fatkins diet is a piece of cake. I mean this literally. It is a piece of cake, as in, “Have a piece of cake.” I have steadfastly maintained this innovative diet for the last two years, and I can tell you: It gets results! The Fatkins diet is a simple modification of the […]
My daughter got married last summer. I would have written a column about it, but after selling my extra kidney on the Chinese black market to pay for the nuptials, I didn’t have any money left for ink. For the purposes of this column I will refer to my daughter as “Zoe” and her husband […]
There are three levels of personal discomfort of the bathroom variety. The New England Journal of Medicine has given each a technical name, or “alert level.” They are: Yellow Alert, Red Alert and Neon Flashing Orange Alert with Blaring Sirens. Here are their formal definitions – Yellow Alert: A mild but noticeable sensation of pressure […]