I was stuck behind a pickup recently. I’m not sure why, but this truck seemed incredibly masculine. I thought that perhaps it was the style of the bumper. But on closer inspection, the bumper seemed quite ordinary — Then, I thought it might be the license plate. But what’s more gender-neutral than a Hawaiian license […]
My wife and I went to dinner with two other couples last Friday night. It was a very pleasant evening with one minor exception. One of the couples, John and Julie, who are the nicest people in the world, tried to kill me. Don’t get me wrong, I love these people, but one more assassination […]
My investment advisor recently told me that the stock market is ripe for a “correction.” “Correction” is code for, “Hold onto your shorts, your 401K is about to enter a death spiral steeper than an Acapulco cliff diver.” Luckily, I have stumbled onto a new investment strategy – french bulldogs. As my loyal readers know, […]
My wife and I recently attended a performance of The Barber of Seville at the Kennedy Center. This turned out to be quite a challenge for me because I have a bladder the size of a walnut. My wife had obtained our tickets at a charity auction, and neither of us had been to the […]
There are three rules to getting upgraded to First Class: 1. Get to the gate early. 2. Dress professionally. And 3. Own the airline. Okay, I was just kidding about number 3. You don’t need to own the airline. You only need to be Chairman of the Board of the airline. There is nothing sweeter […]
Oregon has a new law forbidding the use of cellphones while driving. It’s extremely strict. In fact, it’s so strict that even thinking about touching your phone while driving is punishable by death. Okay, maybe not that strict, but darn close. The first offense is a big fat fine. The second offense is a bigger […]
My beautiful daughter bought me a Hydro Flask for my birthday. I was touched by her thoughtfulness – for nearly 24 hours. Then I realized that she had taken the saying, “When you buy a gift, buy something you’d like to have yourself,” a little too far. It dawned on me that she had IN […]
Attention “General Public”: I’m not asking, I’m begging. Unless you are describing a rich, full-bodied South American coffee, please, please, P-L-E-A-S-E, stop using the word robust every five seconds. Cease and desist, people. It’s getting brutal. Let’s stop for a moment and do some research. The Oxford English Dictionary formally defines the word “Robust” as […]
The 2020 presidential election is going to make 2016 look like a 1950’s sock hop. The debate committee is already searching for a venue to hold a mud wrestling match. Michael Buffer, of “Let’s get ready to rumble!” fame, has agreed to announce it. Crazy Jesse Ventura will referee. Of course, this is only after […]
My daughter left on a vacation recently and asked me to spend two weeks picking up poop around my neighborhood. No, she didn’t put it quite that way. She said, “Will you take care of my spoiled dog, Milo?” (I added the word ‘spoiled’ for accuracy.) Now that Milo’s visit has passed, I ordered a […]