I’m not saying that parking outside the lines should be a crime. That would be crazy. I’m just saying that, at a minimum, we should eat these people. After all, it costs over $40,000 a year to incarcerate someone. If you’re a “softy,” and eating these people seems too extreme, there are other cost effective […]
I recently returned from a family vacation to Hawaii, otherwise known as “the scene of the crime.” Let me state this emphatically: It was not my original intent to kill my family. However, and this is a VERY important point, I did not ACTUALLY kill them. I just ALMOST killed them. I used the AllTrails […]
Medical professionals agree that if you want to be healthy, you need to do three things. First, eat right. Second, exercise. And third, chain smoke. Doctors recommend a bare minimum of two packs a day. If you think I’m making this up, you’re wrong. It’s based on scientific research. Doctors have known about the benefits […]
An existential threat looms in our near future. The media relentlessly reminds us of it, and whether you wake up worrying about it each day, or turn a blind eye, we have an out-of-control freight train headed directly our way. You know what I’m talking about, but I’ll say it – We have a Banana […]
Another Oregon Willamette Valley hay fever season has passed. And I have finally emerged from my HEPA air-filtered bunker in a low crouch and squinted up into the sunlight. Over the past three months, as I sat in air-conditioned darkness, I had several thoughts I’d like to share. Here are the facts. Ninety-nine percent of […]
Americans went on a health kick back in the 1970s. Organic this, organic that. Salad bars as far as the eye could see. But those days are over. International House of Pancakes (IHOP) has created a hamburger WITH A PANCAKE IN IT. If it isn’t served with a ladle of corn syrup poured over it, […]
The nonprofit “Open the Books” has published a San Francisco “poop map.” (Google it if you don’t believe me.) The “Poop Map” charts all the locations where volunteer poop reporters have found “deposits” of human fecal matter. After this map was published, most people looked at it and only saw the obvious –– one BIG […]
I’ve decided to enlist in the Space Force. Is it for patriotism? No. Is it my duty to my fellow citizen? No. I’m doing it for one reason, and one reason only: Tang. If you are under 50, you might not be familiar with Tang. Tang is a beverage that scientists developed for astronauts in […]
I was typing away furiously yesterday on a topic I felt would be near and dear to my readers – the San Francisco Poop Map, when a subject even more important (if you can believe that) came bursting into my living room. It was Maximum Security – the only undefeated horse in the Kentucky Derby. […]
I shamelessly stole this story from a friend who I will refer to for the purposes of this column as “Bo.” This is because his true, accurate and legal name is Bo Mackey. Bo told me this story in confidence, so please, whatever you do, keep it to yourself. It is now my favorite story. […]