I don’t want to alarm anyone. But it has come to my attention (this is true, you can google it), that the chemical they use on most store receipts causes cancer. So, the next time you’re buying a Big Gulp, for example, and the bored looking clerk across the counter asks you if you want […]
If there is one thing I know, it’s how to gain a disturbing amount of weight over a remarkably short period of time. I don’t want to brag, but I once outgrew a pair of Wrangler jeans in under two weeks. How does this help save the giant panda, you ask? Keep reading. I am […]
Milo the Dog ventured south from Portland this week to enjoy some “me time,” in Eugene. For those of you who don’t speak dog, “me time” is doggy language which translates to “pee time.” It’s a time to pee on new and exciting things – birch trees, box plants, landscape ornamentals, and distracted neighbors. Oliver […]
Like most Americans, you’ve probably been asking yourself this question: “Isn’t it time I vacation in Ukraine?” If so, you can’t afford to delay. I am warning you about this because I was recently informed (this is EXTREMELY TRUE) that the name of the Ukrainian national anthem is (again, I swear this is true – […]
There are times when we must admit we’ve failed. For me, one of those times is now. I have failed. I need to admit it. I’m sure you’ve already guessed my great defeat, but I’ll say it anyway. – My recent campaign to promote chain smoking has failed. In fact, I’m not aware of a […]
Nothing says modern medicine like listening to someone on the other side of a shared hospital room take a dump. Shared hospital room? Two patients to a room? Really? Is it 1953 and no one told me? The only thing better than listening to the doctor tell you about your ailment, is enjoying the intimate […]
I am a vocal advocate for pedestrian rights. I especially support strong pedestrian rights laws. Of course, this is only when I’m walking. When I’m driving, people who make me stomp on my brakes as they exercise their “rights” irritate me a little. And by “irritate me a little,” I mean I’d like to run […]
Cats come in many varieties. Among them are Persian cats, Munchkin cats, and Siamese cats. I have a rare breed of cat. It’s called an Alarm cat. My Alarm cat goes off at 5:30 a.m. And by “goes off,” I mean begins meowing quietly just outside our bedroom door every three seconds. He then gradually […]
I’m not saying that parking outside the lines should be a crime. That would be crazy. I’m just saying that, at a minimum, we should eat these people. After all, it costs over $40,000 a year to incarcerate someone. If you’re a “softy,” and eating these people seems too extreme, there are other cost effective […]
I recently returned from a family vacation to Hawaii, otherwise known as “the scene of the crime.” Let me state this emphatically: It was not my original intent to kill my family. However, and this is a VERY important point, I did not ACTUALLY kill them. I just ALMOST killed them. I used the AllTrails […]