{"id":71,"date":"2013-08-08T06:00:25","date_gmt":"2013-08-08T13:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=71"},"modified":"2020-04-15T08:18:49","modified_gmt":"2020-04-15T15:18:49","slug":"my-life-as-a-vegan","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=71","title":{"rendered":"My Short Lived Life as a Vegan"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Eat<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

This all started when a friend, who I will refer to as \u201cChris,\u201d because his name is Chris Linn, told me that he had watched a movie called Forks Over Knives<\/i>, and the movie convinced him to stop eating meat.\u00a0 So, of course, I couldn\u2019t believe it, and I told him that I couldn\u2019t believe it, and that should have been the end of it.\u00a0 Only it wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 Three weeks later, I realized that Forks Over Knives<\/i> was on Netflix.\u00a0 (The real mystery is how a void so large in the entertainment universe emerged and swallowed up every other thing which might possibility have distracted me).\u00a0 Alas, Forks Over Knives<\/i> miraculously stood alone.<\/p>\n

The movie is a documentary about these two skinny doctors who do a bunch of complicated studies using graphs and statistics, and conclude with very serious faces that if you don\u2019t become a vegan, you\u2019re going to die.\u00a0 Possibly by the end of the movie.\u00a0 I know this sounds crazy, but they\u2019re very<\/em> convincing, kind of like that guy at the fair who sells the slicer-dicer.\u00a0 If the slicer-dicer guy used a bunch of graphs.<\/p>\n

So anyway, about two thirds of the way through the movie, I say to myself, \u201cJack, in the unlikely event you live to see the end of this movie, you\u2019re going to start eating a \u2018plant-based diet.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 See, that\u2019s what they call it, a \u201cplant-based diet.\u201d\u00a0 But it\u2019s really a vegan diet.\u00a0 I figure they just changed the name to appeal to more people and not sound like a bunch of crackpots, like when Philip Morris changed its name to Altria.<\/p>\n

The long and the short is that I jumped into the deep end of the pool.\u00a0 If it had parents, or came from something that had parents, it was off the menu.\u00a0 Even stupid parents, like fish, which I always considered more like vegetables without roots.\u00a0 Plus anything that was highly processed or contained refined sugar.\u00a0 Unfortunately, I discovered that if you take all those things literally<\/em> off the table, what you\u2019ve got left is grass.\u00a0 Nevertheless, I marched forward.\u00a0 The whole time thinking, \u2018How am I going to get enough protein?\u2019<\/p>\n

According to some random website on my iPhone, I needed 56 grams of protein per day.\u00a0\u00a0 Was I supposed to eat tofu every day?\u00a0 (My iPhone said that too much tofu was toxic).\u00a0 One of the skinny guys on the show ramble on about how everything has protein in it, even potatoes.\u00a0 Beans supposedly have a lot of protein.\u00a0 But I did the math, I was going to have to eat like fifty pounds of beans a day.\u00a0 I\u2019d be creating enough gas to light a small city.\u00a0 Again, nevertheless, I struggled forward, week after week.\u00a0 I even spent a few days in Oklahoma visiting my daughter.\u00a0 Oklahoma!\u00a0 Oklahoma’s official motto is: \u201cWe eat red meat three times a day, and sometimes we even cook it.\u201d\u00a0 Do you have any idea what it\u2019s like to order a veggie burger in Oklahoma?\u00a0 I\u2019m one of the few who\u2019s lived to tell the tale.<\/p>\n

At week nine, I hit the vegan wall.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t hungry, I was exhausted from trying to eat enough protein without swallowing a wheelbarrow of beans every day.\u00a0 I just didn\u2019t have the ganas<\/i> (or desire<\/i>, as Edward James Olmos would say).\u00a0 I was unable to Stand and Deliver.<\/i> So I yanked the vegan plug.\u00a0 I wished the two skinny guys the best, and reverted back to my previous diet, which I know call Knives Over Forks.<\/i><\/p>\n

_______<\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This all started when a friend, who I will refer to as \u201cChris,\u201d because his name is Chris Linn, told me that he had watched a movie called Forks Over Knives, and the movie convinced him to stop eating meat.\u00a0 So, of course, I couldn\u2019t believe it, and I told him that I couldn\u2019t believe […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[14,532,13,12],"class_list":["post-71","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-forks-over-knives","tag-humor","tag-oklahoma","tag-vegan"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=71"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2092,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71\/revisions\/2092"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=71"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=71"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=71"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}