{"id":278,"date":"2014-03-13T13:05:04","date_gmt":"2014-03-13T20:05:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=278"},"modified":"2018-05-08T20:23:49","modified_gmt":"2018-05-09T03:23:49","slug":"chinas-diabolical-panda-plan-to-conquer-the-world","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=278","title":{"rendered":"China’s Diabolical Panda Plan to Conquer the World"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Panda<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/b><\/p>\n

I\u2019m no conspiracy theorist, and millions of loyal Jocularious readers trust me to limit my reporting on rumors to those which meet a strict standard, otherwise referred to as \u201cmarginally reliable.\u201d\u00a0 That said, I must now break a national, indeed, an international story that will send shockwaves through US-China relations, as well as zoos around the world.<\/p>\n

I was waiting like a drugged sheep in a Starbucks line recently trying to score a simple brewed coffee.\u00a0 (Heresy, yes, I know.)\u00a0 When I ran into an acquaintance.\u00a0 He\u2019s from China.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell you his name, because in case you haven\u2019t heard, the Chinese use dissidents for spare parts, and he\u2019s perfectly happy with the current location of his liver.\u00a0 As he sipped on a double, tall, chai latte, with extra foam, he spilled the beans.\u00a0 It turns out that China has once again played the US for a fool.\u00a0 His source?\u00a0 A friend of a friend, who has a friend, who has a friend who knows someone deep inside China\u2019s central government.<\/p>\n

Here it is.\u00a0 You know how China makes a big deal over loaning those giant pandas to the US?\u00a0 The ones they keep at the National Zoo in Washington D.C., and treat them like they\u2019re Prince William and Princess Kate?\u00a0 Well, here\u2019s the scandal: They aren\u2019t really giant pandas.\u00a0 They\u2019re giant albino raccoons.<\/p>\n

Sure, I was skeptical too.\u00a0 Until I investigated further.\u00a0 I compared photos on Google images of the giant pandas with those of common raccoons.\u00a0 Low and behold, there is a striking resemblance.<\/p>\n

I scheduled a meeting with the Director of Panda Operations at the National Zoo, Dr. Bud McLaughlin.\u00a0 After I explained my concern, Dr. McLaughlin stood up from behind his desk, and said, and I quote, \u201cPlease leave my office, and do not return.\u201d\u00a0 As security personnel dragged me by my feet from his office, I yelled out my final question: \u201cDo you expect the American people to believe that you\u2019ve got two giant albino raccoons less than two miles from the Chinese Embassy and not believe you\u2019re on China\u2019s payroll?\u201d\u00a0 No surprise, he refused to answer.<\/p>\n

You may ask, \u2018Why?\u2019\u00a0 Why would the Chinese dupe us with a couple of oversized albino raccoons?\u00a0 Simple, for the same reason people climb mountains, because they\u2019re there.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s evaluate.<\/p>\n

First off, the Chinese probably figured that with them duping us economically on a daily basis, this would be a cake walk.\u00a0 Why give the US a diamond, when they could give us Cubic Zirconia?\u00a0 Only, big mistake, because Cubic Zirconia is fine if your wife doesn\u2019t find out.\u00a0 That\u2019s what the US will be when this news breaks – the scorned wife that wasn\u2019t worth the price of the real deal.\u00a0 The conclusion?\u00a0 China doesn\u2019t really love us.\u00a0 In fact, they don\u2019t even like us.<\/p>\n

Consider this.\u00a0 The value of a Giant Panda is, well, priceless.\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t buy one if you tried.\u00a0 Bill Gates couldn\u2019t even buy one.\u00a0 (Unless, of course, he found a Chinese zoo keeper in need of a Bentley and a waterfront vacation home in Shanghai).\u00a0 The value of a raccoon on the other hand?\u00a0 In my city, you can trap them at will, and then you\u2019re supposed to \u201cdispatch them\u201d outside city limits.\u00a0 Heck, I transported three of them out of my backyard last summer.\u00a0 Of course, I couldn\u2019t bring myself to kill them, so I released them near a stream where I have no doubt they are now happily terrorizing rural residents.<\/p>\n

What is the US to do?\u00a0 What is the appropriate action?\u00a0 No doubt the State Department is already burning the midnight oil debating this question.\u00a0 My suggestion?\u00a0 Present China with a gift of our own.\u00a0 A bald eagle.\u00a0 But not just any bald eagle, a bald eagle that\u2019s really just a crow with a shaved head.\u00a0 As its little feathers begin to grow back, it\u2019ll be \u201cMessage Accomplished.\u201d\u00a0 Point, set, match, the good-ole US of A.<\/p>\n

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______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books for gifts:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

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Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards I\u2019m no conspiracy theorist, and millions of loyal Jocularious readers trust me to limit my reporting on rumors to those which meet a strict standard, otherwise referred to as \u201cmarginally reliable.\u201d\u00a0 That said, I must now break a national, indeed, an international story that will send shockwaves through US-China relations, as well […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[225,221,224,652,220,219,222,206],"class_list":["post-278","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-bill-gates","tag-china","tag-cubic-zirconia","tag-giant-panda","tag-national-zoo","tag-panda","tag-racoon","tag-starbucks"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/278","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=278"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/278\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1280,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/278\/revisions\/1280"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=278"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=278"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=278"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}